Photo by Paul Wesson Photography
Originally posted 5 Dec 2010: reposted for mental health awareness
Feeling particularly scattered as of late. I don’t know if it’s the time of the year, or just everything catching up with me, but I can’t seem to complete a thought, a book, or an activity… I’ve been trying to write a new post unsuccessfully for a while now. So, this will likely be a bit disjointed.
It feels like everything around me is moving in fast-forward, while I’ve got my own slow-motion activated. I wish I could say that slowing down is helping me to get greater enjoyment out of life, but rather it is just the opposite. I feel as though everything is happening without me. I’m not a player, but simply an observer, and I cannot form a thought well enough to reflect on what I witness.
Everything seems to be coming together, while I have this very real feeling of not having a handle on anything, and therefore a fear that it will all unravel at any moment.
It’s a crazy time of the year with school concerts, dance and piano recitals, Christmas parties, prepping for holiday festivities, all on top of the regular stuff. But I’m not sure that’s what has me feeling so disconnected. I’ve done this year after year, with even more on my plate. However, if I’m honest with myself, I know why I’m feeling this way.
I saw my doctor last week to discuss whether I may be suffering with depression.
This is difficult to share, but I’m pretty much an open-book most of the time and I’ve always believed there is nothing to be ashamed of in having a mood disorder, temporary or longer lasting. I guess it’s time to live what I preach. I’m fortunate to have a really fantastic doctor. He spent a lot of time with me discussing all aspects of how I’ve been feeling and for how long, then had me complete a questionnaire – I forget what it’s called but it’s a pretty standard one. It showed an indication of mild depression, and also gave us a baseline to refer to during treatment.
The interesting thing is that my doctor tells me chronic pain doesn’t usually cause depression, however depression can intensify pain. So, this would seem to indicate that it’s because I’m depressed that my pain has worsened over the past three months. Interesting.
I can’t say that there have been any significant events or experiences recently that would be cause for such a mental state. I had honestly attributed it to the chronic pain, and my frustration and discouragement as well as lack of motivation, and inability to follow-though with stuff. My doctor has ordered a bunch of bloodwork to rule out any of the major health issues that go hand in hand with depression. We’ve started a treatment, and I will follow up with him in a week.
All I know is that I want to stop feeling like I cannot focus on anything. I want to stop chasing rainbows. I want to stop experiencing pain. I want to go to bed, fall asleep, and wake in the morning feeling rested. I want to accept things for what they are, not something far bigger and insurmountable. I want to feel motivated to get out and do things that I love. I want to be fit. I want to sit and read a book for more than ten minutes at a time. And I want other things that I don’t feel so comfortable sharing here.
I want to care about things deeply, not just logically.
I find myself carrying out activities because I KNOW that they’re important to me, while I don’t FEEL anything but apathy towards most things lately. My life feels like it has a haze or fog hanging over everything. Colors don’t have any vibrancy. Sounds are muffled. And everything, and I do mean everything, irritates me. The worst thing that I’m irritated by is myself. My physical self. The feel of my body, my skin, and the muscles that ache without end.
I don’t share this seeking your sympathy. In fact, sympathy would likely be the last response I would wish for. I don’t wish to commiserate, but I do wish to connect. If I can’t feel connected to the world around me in any other way, perhaps someone out there knows what I’m talking about. Can relate. Perhaps connections can be made with someone who’s been there and overcome, or maybe finds it to be an ongoing struggle, or perhaps even someone who’s never felt able to talk about this outside of a doctor’s office. I welcome your connections. Publicly or privately.
Perhaps with an open dialogue others might find a way to talk openly, or ask for help. If you can’t ask for help for yourself, then do it for the people who care about you. If for no other reason, I consulted my physician so that I could find a way to not be so difficult to live with. Someone will thank me for it someday. 😉
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About Trish
I’ve been there, Trish. Medication will likely help. It will help lift you up a bit, and allow you to see the sky.
Been there too…..still there. I really appreciated reading your comments because I have struggled with ALL the above….(and I mean ALL)….and I’ve often attributed it to me trying to figure out who I am, what the heck I’m doing here, stress, lack of sleep, not eating right and the list goes on….
The worst part is you can SEE the person the person you want to be, it’s standing right there in front of you and as much as you want to be that person you can’t. Your body and brain see it but can’t reach it. Very tough. I began treatment a while after my second was born. So that would be 6 years ago now. I’m on a the lowest does of Cipralex. Not even sure if it’s helping at this point – do I need to stop taking it altogether? In crease the dose? Lord knows, it’s a doctor conversation for sure. I remember just bawling my eyes out when I called the doc the first time round to make that consultation appointment…..why was this happening to me???? I asked the doc frankly in my appointment….would my brain ever be the same? And the answer was no…..those little pathways and connections are changed when depression hits…..more bawling…..
I hate the thought that depression has “gotten” me.” I have tried to eat well and rest, exercise – all the good stuff. Does it help? Sure. But some days my physical pain is worse, as is my mental fog. It begins hard to know what’s “normal” to….how much pain is normal? How tired is normal? Do other people feel like this? Short answer I got was the length of time…..prolonged feelings like this are signs something is up.
So please know we are all here, in high numbers too! Very hard to hit “publish” is right….depression still has so much stigma attached to it. I could easily put that I broke my arm on Facebook but that I have depression? Hell no! Small forums such as this one are ok….but otherwise no. Depression is common. but it’s still a kick in the head when one finds one they have it.
My mother-in-law has fibromyalgia and has said before that it stems form depression. I am not surprised. As of lately, my whole body aches and the headaches mental fog have left my struggling some days. The answers are few, but hopefully they help…..((((HUGS TRISH))))) xoxox
Thanks Marie and Jen.It’s good to know I’m not alone.It does make me wonder M-C if something was missed a long time ago that might have explained all of my struggles with things over the last few years.
Absolutely! What was missed, what could have been dealt with, prevented, etc etc….Mentally, mine came after childbirth. Physically, only within the last couple of years. I am convinced the body works in a mental/physical sync…one affects the other.
Ya, I’m asked abut my life at home, etc. and it’s all good, but back when the physical symptoms and sleep issues first started, I had been through a LOT, between good things like pregnancies and bad traumas like infidelities… perhaps, I’m just stuck in a cycle?
Finally reading this now (have been meaning to since you posted it!). I think that having the courage to admit and share is a huge step forward, and you will benefit from being open about it. 🙂 Yep depression still has a bit of stigma in our society, but I think it’s improving as more and more people realize that it can happen to *anyone* and is nothing to be ashamed of.
I’m not a doctor or a scientist (as you know!), but lately I’ve been reading about the brain, and the growing perception that our brains aren’t so much like computers as they are like constantly changing/adapting organisms… what this means is that they *can* be retrained (to a point) and that the neural pathways can be influenced, sometimes just by *thinking*, but also by the foods we eat, exercise, etc. I’m not pretending to say that you could “cure” yourself, but I definitely think that some of the techniques I’ve been reading about might help you move forward. Of course, I recognize that depression can make it difficult to even read a book and follow through (that’s the catch-22!) but if you do find yourself looking for something along those lines, the one I’m reading right now is called “Get out of your own way”, by a neuroscientist (last name Cooper… can’t remember the first name off the top of my head). It’s really good!