I recently un-celebrated my 38th birthday. It was not a happy day for me. Not for my age, but for recently associated painful memories. And of course… It happened at a time when I was making difficult decisions to protect myself from further heartache, leaving me somewhat alone during some of my darkest days.
A wonderful friend provided me with support across the miles and I felt a little less alone.
Then things continued changing for me.
Everything happens for a reason. We have lessons to be learned and sometimes it takes multiple cracks at it before they have enough depth to begin effecting our lives. < It’s not fun to learn the same lessons over and over so, of course, the sooner we catch on the better. 😉 >
I am always trying to remind myself that every experience is a lesson to be learned, to look positively on the process or the outcome, or some aspect that will eventually serve to improve my life.
In the midst of it heartache is the hardest to learn from, but in hindsight it could be the simplest lesson to be learned. If only we allow ourselves to live through the hurt and reflect. When we avoid the pain, we tend to relive the lessons.
I’ve taken to really trying to live by the philosophy of Now. Live in the moment, live for today. The past is over, tomorrow is yet to come. And every relationship (friend, lover, family, etc.) has a purpose. Sometimes they enter our lives for a reason, sometimes for a period of time, and some will always be there. I try not to over think the purpose too much anymore. I’m not very good at that, and the heartache always seems to be magnified when I give in.
I am in a place of transition in every aspect of my life it seems.
Trying to establish stable work, a home for my family and eventually a relationship (partner in life) that will grow while feeling stable and safe. I not only feel like I’ve come full circle in that it’s a time to re-establish my life. Those who I rely on for support are those lifetime friends, some of whom have re-entered my life during my time of need. I feel a sense of belonging in a place I haven’t even thought of as home for years.
What is to come is yet to be seen. While I try to be proactive and plan, I am also trying to allow what is meant to be to come to fruition without much interference. There’s a certain fear in not directing it all. There’s a certain power in leaving it to the universe. My worries are less. Though I feel somewhat at a loss. I want to be in control of my destiny. I am not.
38 may not be old, but it sure feels like late in life to be starting over in some ways.
How do you reconcile not having complete control over your destiny?Â
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About Trish
