Living with Fibromyalgia

Living with fibromyalgia is as frustrating as it is painful. After working through the pain all week and not feeling up to anything at home in the evenings, my weekends are most often spent playing catch up on my household chores. But come Monday, when one should return to work feeling rested and ready to take on a new week, I am more exhausted than ever and often in greater pain.

Living with fibromyalgia

This weekend I finally managed to clean out my pantry. Not a huge task on the scale of physical demand, but one that required standing and raising my arms above my head a lot. My shoulders hate that motion. So today, I pay for it, waking in pain. With a typical fibromyalgia flare-up: muscle tension everywhere and a headache that just won’t subside. No matter what extra strength Tylenol and water I consume, hot shower and extra strength Voltaren I use… I find myself sitting half undressed in a lazyboy, overheating from the pain, with a magic bag wrapped around my neck & shoulders.

I know how it sounds when I call into work many Monday mornings saying I’ll be late. I know my staff and my supervisor begin questioning the validity of my condition. Most of the time people around me don’t even know what pain I am enduring. I tell those who do notice, that if they can actual tell that I am in pain, it has to be pretty bad, because the days that people think I’m doing just fine, inside I feel like I’m just barely coping. The fact is, I would be much better off with a part-time job, and even better off with work that I can do from home on a flexible schedule.

I think by speaking with other Fibro-sufferers, people would learn that my situation is not at all uncommon among those with fibromyalgia. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to be able to live day to day without pain, wake feeling rested and not feel fatigued all day long, and have a clear head to process thoughts with an ability to remain focused for more than 90 seconds. Today is one of those days. I don’t want your sympathy… Just a little compassion, instead of judgement. Patience,
instead of frustration. And maybe a few extra moments to process thoughts before giving a response…

We all live with challenges that others don’t know about. It’s time to start opening up and sharing, rather than assume these challenges somehow make us inferior or less than competent. What are your daily challenges that you keep hidden away?

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Alone versus lonely

Do you feel alone or lonely? Adults’ lives are filled with dichotomies. The more wrenches that get thrown into life, the more contrasting views that seem to apply to the same situation(s).

I am faced with one of the most common single parenting dichotomies. I do not get enough time to myself. Period. My life consists of working and MomsTaxi and juggling the much more active social lives of my two (*almost) teenage girls with my own. And I cherish my alone time. I really truly do.

Yet…

I have been without a significant other to share my life with, for a long time. Nothing brings my attention to that fact more than the few days that I have alone in my home. As those days approach I feel myself in a tug of war with myself.

Part of me is excited and anxiously anticipating having the house empty, clean, and quiet. Part of me wants to take that time and become a hermit just enjoying having no one to answer to.

Then another part of me begins to feel anxiety about having no one to count on to share even a fraction of that time with. Not just any-old-some-one. But someone significant who will also look forward to the quiet and the freedom and want to share some of that time completely detached from the outside world (except for maybe walking the beach). Someone who will also know the balance that is needed and share some social time with me out and about, taking in music or food, or a hard bike ride…

Sun and ocean

It is so hard not to begin feeling lonely, at the thought of finally being alone. For me this is a bi-weekly cycle. Sometimes I get lucky and find someone to share my time with. Perhaps a dinner date, a coffee, or a walk, maybe even a weekend long Netflix marathon…

I can (and do) do these things solo. Don’t get me wrong, there is some real benefit to not having to meet in the middle with movie choices and choice of dinner… But these days, I would prefer companionship to solitude more and more. Perhaps this stems from another dichotomy of parenting: kids grow up and become far less dependent on their parents. No longer am I needed at every social event, nor am I even welcome. While this is a tough pill to swallow sometimes, it is healthy for everyone. Yet, it leaves me with more time on my hands so that when the true solo time on the weekend comes, I am no longer craving alone-ness as much as I am adult companionship.

So here comes the weekend. Time to find my middle ground.

Where is yours?

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If not now, then when?

Now

Have you ever wanted something/somewhere/someone so much, so bad… that you were willing to do almost anything to get it? No matter how counter-intuitive, no matter how hard it might seem… and it wasn’t hard at all?

Acting outside of our comfort zone, especially against natural instincts is a sure fire way to see growth. What if the growth was simply an added bonus for achieving the dream?

I’ve learned over the years, that I have more strength that I have cared to test or realize… Every circumstance that has been trying has been, in almost every case, unsolicited. I find myself now, seeking, and driven towards even, a different way. I have realized a new means of getting there. A way that while challenging in theory, has turned out to be entirely doable.

And so I hope that my patience and perseverance pays off in the end. Yet, much like a young child does in developing a new skill I enjoy the process and the journey almost as much (sometimes more than) the end game.

I know where I want to end up. And each day – while living in this moment – I am ever so conscious of where I want to be.

What are you doing – right now – to get to where you want to be?

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

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Fear not

What is it they say? “The only thing to fear is fear itself”…
Ironically, fear is one of the biggest causes of failure. Failing to live life to its fullest, failing to try new things, failing to pursue dreams, or to love, even failing at the simple concept of being content/happy… We sometimes allow fear to stop us in our tracks, to paralyze us. And yet, by not risking what we fear, we risk not getting whatever it is that we allow fear to stop us from experiencing.

Fear less pursuit of passion

Fear has a useful place, but it’s generally an overactive instinct. Yes, we can better protect ourselves from life-threatening situations when we listen to our fears. But what place does that really have in trying new things that will allow for growth? It prevents us from learning and developing if we let it stop us from experiencing things with unknown outcomes.

I have been through a lot of painful experiences in my personal, family and work lives. But listening to my fears would only have served to stop me from expanding my knowledge and the depth of feeling that life can bring us.

I have learned a lot about living in the moment and the biggest fear I have today is that I will have regrets. There are few choices I regret making and experiencing. However, I have a few that I regret not making, or having said no to.

One of the biggest dreams I have had is to be self-employed. I have explored it so many times and ways, and I have even taken a few steps toward this dream. What has stopped me, is the fear of failing. Here I am failing to pursue my dreams, because I am afraid it won’t workout. Yet, if I never take the plunge, it never will work.

So, once again I began the process of evaluating my dreams, goals and current situation. As usual I have come to the same conclusion. I will never know until I try if I have it in me to make a life doing what I love. I’ve yet to figure out what steps I am able to take towards my dream, but I know that I will never change where I am at, if I keep doing what I am doing.

I have been soaking up resources that encourage the creative spirit, that provide tools for moving forward, and yet here I sit. Not quite capable of stepping outside the box…

There are reminders everywhere around me that life is short, that we have no idea what tomorrow will bring, or if it will come at all: Memories of my mother whose life ended far too early; Stories of lives changed abruptly because of apocalyptic wildfires.

We have right now, this moment – to live. And I want to live with intention. I want to spend everyday knowing that what I am making the time for is valuable to me. That I am doing what I love or moving towards those things that matter to me in the actions that I take everyday…

Can you say the same?

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

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Leaping for change


Today is Leap Day and I want talk about Leaping for change…

Most people accept change with a great deal of resistance. Fear of the uncertainty is a big obstacle.

In my experience it is always best to leap. I like to take big leaps, but I also embrace change. I love the excitement and newness of things.

Leaping on the beach

Leaping doesn’t have to be monumental mountain top to mountain top leaps though. What if your leaps looked more like bunny hops?

When getting started slower/non-elite runners are hesitant to refer to running. Something inside says, if it’s not at lightening speed, then it’s ONLY jogging. My philosophy was always that if two feet were moving forward and occasionally both feet leave the ground at the same time, it’s running. We all have to start somewhere.

Just as with running, a slow run… or in this case bunny hop leaping allows us two things: 1) a greater chance for success and 2) much less to lose if unsuccessful and therefore an easier point to restart from – if need be. As the successes roll in and the losses are bearable, maybe we’ll be willing to leap bigger, higher, further at once.

I prefer taking big and multiple leaps. If there are things that are related in some way, whether it be timing, or the types of challenges being addresses, then I prefer to do it all at once. It seems that my mind or body, or both, accept one change right along with the other.

Trying to live a healthier life? Change up the entire routine at once. New job, new hours, new fitness routine and eating habits…

Trying to organize the household better? New calendar, iphone app, schedule of daily activities, log book and accountability…

I’ve taken a few leaps that I have shared recently with a new job and attempting to establish better healthier habits like eating well, going to the gym, writing, making photographs and attempting to finish more books again. Some of these were bigger than others. Some are more/less successful so far.

I’m considering my next leap(s) with hopefully even more significant change to result. What are you leaping for?

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

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Blogging for recovery (mental health)…

The road to mental health recovery is a long, challenging one. There are curves and dips, mountains and valleys, switchbacks and stalls. Often moving so slowly we feel as if we’re in reverse. Occasionally we truly are. Sometimes the entire process has to restart, and while it feels like we’re back at the beginning, we never truly are. Each leg of the journey adds to the process – sometimes hastening the forward momentum and at times forcing us to a crawl.

Just as with the act of running, if there are two feet moving in a mostly forward direction, eventually we’ll get further ahead than when we began.

There is no magic cure. No pill to suddenly change the mood and make all of the contributing circumstances irrelevant. There are many factors that must each be tackled when the time is right, and eventually depression can be – if not entirely then at least mostly – overcome.

I am by no means in the clear when it comes to mental health. I know that life will continue to throw me curve balls and that my state of being in the moment will have a significant impact on how those events are dealt with by me.

I am confident though that today I am better equipped to weather the storms.

Photo credit: Debbie Roberts

Photo credit: Debbie Roberts

People ask me what I have done to improve my mental health, and there is no single thing. It took an accumulation of events for me to stop coping in a healthy way. It is an accumulation of activities and life changes that have allowed me to arrive on the other side.

Medication can be helpful as a sort of kickstart or bridge depending upon what you need. In my case, it was adjustments to pain medications – rather than an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication.

But that it is not what helped the most. My complete lifestyle change starting with leaving a job that was killing me in an almost systematic way is what did it. I started a new job in a much healthier environment where the ultimate goal is helping build a healthier community. I feel as though I have aligned myself with professional work that marries well with my own passion.

I have always found health-related changes easier to make when there is already a big change happening. While off to my new job, I started a better routine of exercise and eating well.

Today, almost daily I do 20-30 minutes of cardio and a light weight training circuit. 1-3 times/week I switch it up and take a land-based fitness or aqua fitness class instead, or in addition. Ultimately I knew I had arrived at my desired level of activity when not partaking became something I missed. I feel more like myself when I am active daily. And I am more conscious of what I put inside of my body at the same time.

None of these things are easy. I still see a doctor frequently for chronic pain issues. I still have days that I want to bury my head in the sand. But change really must come from within. Being ready to take ownership of my health and take risky steps to improve things required commitment and support. Whatever that support system looked like I used it. I saw a therapist who really just heard me and validated my feelings while encouraging me to keep moving forward. Friends and family, even passing acquaintances each played a role. Whether in the form of a wellness challenge at work, or bi-weekly tea dates with childhood friends… was all good.

Have you been wanting to make a change?

Just go for it, and stop being so hard on yourself!

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

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Yarmouth Court House & Jail House

Yarmouth Court House & Jail House

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Struggle to focus

I struggle with finding things to say/write, or even to focus on specific tasks that aren’t very tangible. I can push through washing, hanging, folding a load of laundry; washing and putting away dishes, or even a 30 minute walk or spin. But to focus on a book, writing, even a little time with my photographs is a challenge.

It’s getting better. I spent two weekends reflecting and enjoying my time alone. I had time with friends, but most of time was spent in solitude. And it was good.

I lack focus and wish I could get some of things I really love done, but at the same time, the things I spend my time doing are all necessary evils. I actually relax better and feel less stressed with a clean house. Life is less chaotic when we have healthy, tasty meals planned and prepared for. A book is a little more palatable in small chunks when nothing else is distracting me at home.

So, it’s a work in progress. Hopefully in the not-too-distant future I’ll have found remedies for a number of the causes. Until then, I keep whittling away at things.

(Better than last month.)

 

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

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My daughter is a lot more brave than I am

Captured by Bruce Penney Photography

Captured by Bruce Penney Photography

Today I learned that my daughter is much more brave than I.

She’d had a falling out with a friend. Based on having only her side of the story it seemed to me that an unreasonable request had been made of her and that her response had been appropriate. My daughter stands up for what she believes in and is usually pretty calm about it. She doesn’t always take the most popular stand, but often the most just. However, it resulted in two very upset children, with my daughter coming home from school crying that she’d lost her friend.

After a long weekend of stewing about it she came to me and asked if I thought she should talk with her friend. I told her that yes I did. I said that while it sounded like she was right about what she told her friend that it also was important not to let it come between them for too long. I explained that if she let her friend know that she felt her friend’s request was not okay (essentially she’d been asked to choose between two friends) and that she did not want to make a choice … and if her friend still made the same demand then my girly would at least know that she did what she could. I wanted her to know that she was right to stand up for herself and her choices.

My daughter proceeded to pick up the phone and call her friend.

Honestly, I’m quite certain I would not have done so when I was her age, and I don’t know if I even would today. I have come to believe that if someone is hurting me in some way, by their actions or inaction, that it just isn’t worth it to me to fight. I’m better off without them in my life. Now of course that is a very simple statement and there are often a lot more complexities to social problems than that, but essentially that’s my take.

I have no patience for games, no desire to try to read minds, and know unequivocally that I’m actually not very good at either anyway. I’m pretty direct when I communicate with others and appreciate the same in return. So, I feel much better served by simply walking away from situations … in which I have little time, energy or emotion invested.

I have a number of close friends. And I have a lot of acquaintances whose company I enjoy at times. My friends have been there for me through some of my ugliest times. They deserve a little more wiggle room. Maybe they were having a bad day, or maybe we misunderstood one another. That isn’t to say others don’t deserve the same respect – I just don’t go out of my way to try to make it happen after I have been hurt in some way.

In the end my daughter mended things with her friend. They both apologized for their part in the problem, and I believe my daughter’s right to have whatever friends she chooses is being respected … for the time being anyway.

She told me she was shaking when the phone was ringing while she waited for her friend to answer. She didn’t know if her friend was still mad at her. But it was worth it to her to take a chance.

I hope I’ll have the same amount of courage if I feel a situation is worthy enough…

 

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

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“Thinking spot” – the Beach

Winter NS beach

I call places like this beach my thinking spot. Sometimes they are, but in actual fact more often it’s my no-thinking spot. It’s where I go to clear my head and not have to think at all. I listen to the crashing surf, I watch the waves roll in and back out. I examine the changes in texture of the sand from one end of the beach to the other, from shoreline to waters edge. The smooth dense wet sand, the rippled tide-receding middle sand, the light and airy sand in the sun. Truth be told, I find beaches and the ocean in particular to be cleansing.

Winter NS Beach 2

 

To me, it’s not a place to go soak up the sun, although at times that too has its place.

Winter NS Beach 3

And that’s why you’ll find me bundled up in the middle of winter, with or without my camera, walking the beach. The bitter cold wind and icy salt spray has a way of literally taking your breath away, and with it all of my worries, even if only for a moment. Sometimes I drive along the shore, stopping at beach after beach. Sometimes I sit for an untold length of time just being. And sometimes I do in fact think.

Winter NS Beach 4

It’s a meditative place, the beach. Every beach unique, and every day a new beach.

 

Winter NS Beach 5

 

 

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

I invite you to subscribe to my blog using one of the options available on my page (email, rss, Google Connect, like my page on Facebook, etc.)

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