Children & divorce

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I’m going to offer just a handful of my observations as a soon-to-be-divorced parent: children are far more insightful than we ever give them credit for; there are considerable differences in how siblings view their lives; as the primary parent with whom they reside for more than 85% of the time dad’s weekends when the kids are away CAN (and should) be spent doing whatever suits my fancy.

My nine-year-old was five when we split, my seven-year-old, just three. For more of Seven’s life her dad and I have not been a family, than for the portion of her life that we were a nuclear unit. I rarely hear lamenting from her of how much better it would be if we were all still a family. Her sister says it less now than she used to, but it’s still ultimately what she would wish. I’m not sure what that picture looks like in her mind, but suspect it’s a slight distortion of reality as we once knew it.

Seven’s artistic renditions of family pictures almost seem to include her dad as an after-thought. She’s never been one to talk about him in any serious sort of way. She thinks nothing of skipping one of her bi-weekly weekend visits (he lives 3.5 hours drive from us), and she doesn’t miss me when she’s gone, even for extended stays. Someone once asked her recently if she missed me while I was away on work travel for a week. Without hesitation she reported no. This is just the way it is. It’s really the only way she knows.

Her sister on the other-hand, not only would have missed me, but would have wanted very much to assure me that she did, so I’d know just how important I am to her. Seven just has the confidence that she doesn’t have to tell me, I’ll just know.

As we’ve all grown accustomed to our new lives things have changed. While I struggled for the first year with being “on” 24/7 and needed those weekends to myself so desperately, now we’ve all come so far. There are less crying jags (on all of our parts). We all feel more settled into our new routines. And I miss my babies terribly while they are gone. Don’t get me wrong I still need and appreciate having a little time-off when someone else gets to be the primary parent. In fact I probably take better advantage of the time, but I find myself wishing more for the normalcy of a single household where our lives are less divided. It’s difficult to describe exactly. The more content we all are with our new lives, the more I want of it.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: , , , , ,

What our family has learned from a loved one’s deployment. (2004)

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http://www.renc.igs.net/~tcollier/deployment%20haiti.htm

As I was preparing lunch one day, just weeks after daddy’s homecoming, I heard my daughter from the other room.  She had been watching Franklin on CBC Kids, and I hadn’t noticed it was over.  The news was on when I heard her saying “My daddy was in Haiti!”  I walked in the room to see her intently staring at the TV where the entire city of Gonaive was mud.  I asked her if she knew why Haiti was on TV, and told her that the people there have now lost their homes.

I was amazed that our three-year-old made the connection between our family and what she’s seeing on TV happening across the world.  When her daddy came home, after I told him about her reaction, he asked her if she saw Haiti on TV.  She went on to regurgitate the story of how “the people lived in the houses and then the water came, and then their houses blowed down into the water…”  She said that he should go there and make them new homes, and that while he was back in Haiti she would have jellybeans.

Now you may be asking yourself – Jellybeans?  How does a three-year-old’s connection to such worldly things lead to jellybeans?  After my husband had left on tour six months earlier, I was still unsure of how to help her ‘get’ the concept of time, and how long daddy would be gone.  I didn’t want to use paper chain links, and tear one off each day, because the original deployment was for 90 days, and I felt certain it would be extended as long as a six month tour.  How would I suddenly add double the chain links, if she wasn’t getting the whole time thing?  It was suggested to me that I use a jar of jellybeans, one per day.  I thought it might be easier to sneak extras in if necessary.  So daddy in Haiti equals a jar of jellybeans…

How many preschoolers have enough world knowledge to understand or even consider what is happening so far away?  My daughter has not only gained knowledge she likely wouldn’t have had about the world, but one day I hope it will extend to a humanitarian concern for things globally.  I have realized that my daughter still doesn’t grasp all of what is happening in this world today, she still needs concrete connections.  Five months after the disastrous tropical storm struck a country our soldiers had just left, after months of trying to assist an already ravaged nation back on its feet, my daughter still talks about when daddy goes back to Haiti to build those people new homes…  She doesn’t understand that there are other places in this world that other children’s mommies and daddies are assisting while their families at home are missing them.  Perhaps one day it will hit home with her, when daddy leaves for another lengthy absence on another tour to some place else in the world.  Or perhaps his absence won’t occur again until she’s already figured it out by grasping more abstract concepts.

I could write about many things that others cannot truly comprehend the depth of, without experiencing them. But I hope that most, whether connected to the military or not, at least consider the sacrifices being made everyday by children who did not choose to see their parents go off to war-torn countries and play their small part in making peace in this world.  It is obvious that a parent’s absence for large blocks of time have huge consequences on a child’s life.  We will never now how our daughters’ development in their formative years would have been different had daddy been here for every day of it.  Daddy will never get back those missed first steps that the infant he said goodbye to just months earlier took, only for him to return to a toddler racing after her sister to greet him.

What I do know, is how their lives have been impacted, and what opportunities for learning this  has brought them.  At a time when separation anxiety could rear its ugly head, our youngest daughter learned that even when she has difficulty remembering, daddy does come back – and her attachment to him only grew stronger upon his return.

I have always believed that “what doesn’t break us, makes us stronger”, and I have born witness to it in my own life.  We could have let this time apart come between us, but we’ve learned from our mistakes, and not only did “absence make the heart grow fonder”, but my husband and I also found a way to grow closer to one another each day that passed.  We are so fortunate to be a part of today’s’ Canadian military.  Gone are the days of years at a time, away at war, with little to no contact.  I cannot imagine how families coped with letting one another back into their lives after so much time and so many events had taken place separate from one another.  Canada is not at war, but the risks of making peace in war-torn parts of this world are still great.  I am thankful for the lines of communication and support made available to military members and their families today.  And I am proud that my children can grow up with a unique understanding of how the rest of this world needs us, Canadians.

Filed Under: General, Parenting, West Nova Family Tagged With: , , , , ,

Birth story – first draft (2004)

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Draft of my story that was published in Understanding Human Sexuality

The birth of my first child, was of course a memorable experience.  In a few words I would describe it as relaxed, personal, secure and simple.

I was under the care of a team of two midwives throughout my pregnancy; I had many opportunities to get to know them.  My children’s father attended many appointments, as we were able to schedule some in the evening.  We each preferred the other of the two midwives, finding something different in the two women that appealed to us separately.  Both my sister and my mom were encouraged to attend appointments with me, they got to hear my daughter’s heartbeat very early on.

When my labour began, I’d been aware of Braxton Hicks contractions for some time.  Even though it was my first childbirth experience, I could tell the difference, yet was still in early labour.  I called my midwife, went for a walk, took a bath, the contractions continued regularly but still quite far apart.  I called my midwife, Sylvia, again.  She said she’d come check on me, and if I were further along than she thought, she would stay.  It was the midwife I had felt a stronger connection with, as it turned out it was not her turn to take calls, but they were so busy with other births that neither of them had had much rest in 48 hours.

As it turned out, she stayed.  We ate, we watched Friends on TV, my family came by to visit with me in my home while I laboured.  Apparently I was coping very well, not sounding like a woman close to active labour.  At 8pm, I was about 5cm dilated, this hadn’t changed in a while.  I had tremendous back labour, and was leaning over all of the couch cushions, with family members taking turns applying counter-pressure on my tailbone.  Still, we chatted and relaxed in anticipation.  Within an hour or so, my midwife suggested we could break my waters, if I wanted to, that it might speed things up.  The intention was to have a hospital birth, so it was my choice, did I want to break the water at home, or head in to the hospital and do it there?   Now, why would I want to make all that mess at home, when someone else could clean it up?

By the time we arrived at the hospital 15 minutes later, things were already beginning to progress.  As we walked past admitting, Sylvia told the staff “she’s further along than she looks, her husband will look after the paperwork”, and upstairs we went.  My sister helped me into the shower, where I soon found that I couldn’t stand up, yet the pressure was too much to sit.  Into the hospital bed I went, where I found myself doing squats from a reclined position.  Sylvia and two nurses in the delivery room were amazing, talking me through everything, informing me of what would happen next, bringing me back down as I lost a bit of control in transition.

My daughter’s father was by my side holding my hand, supporting me when I needed to pull-up and squat with the contractions.  My sister was watching as my daughter’s head crowned, with absolute awe she looked at my then husband and says “you have to SEE this!”  He took a quick peak, but dared not leave my side.  I felt my daughter’s hair and her head was delivered without incident, then she rushed out, tearing me with her shoulder, so fast that the she almost flew right past my midwife’s arms!  With great interest Sylvia informed me that my daughter’s umbilical cord was longer than she’d ever seen before.  She and my husband measured it later to be approximately four feet long!

Then my daughter was wiped and swaddled and handed to me.  I remember that feeling like she opened a part of my heart I never even knew was there.  The love I felt for her had been there all along, long before she was conceived, just waiting to be released.  Within moments of her birth, my mother was in the delivery room to meet her first grand-daughter.

Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Daycare Divide – an interview

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Article that I was one of the interviewees for.
http://www.todaysparent.com/lifeasparent/article.jsp?content=20030903_135500_3888&page=1

Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Team Diabetes Bluenose 10k

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Just over 6 weeks earlier, I had finished the very last of my school obligations, and decided that since I had a little time on my hands and needed the motivation to get off my butt for some more regular exercise, I may as well sign up for Team Diabetes to run the 10K at the Bluenose Marathon. The fundraising deadline was just 30 days away, but I was certain I could raise $500 in 30 days, in fact I did it in just over 2 weeks! I have raised a total of $555, so far – and can still collect more if anyone missed their chance to donate before the race.

Training was still tough. My ankle will never be the same, and most weeks that I ran consistently at least 2 days, cycle-commuting 1 other, I felt it in my ankle afterwards. It swelled and it ached, but it rarely gave me any pain while I ran, and I really do love running, so I did what I could. I’d built up form a limit of 20 mins/run, to about 45 mins, or 6.5+km. I also walked additional time, so that my longest distance on my feet accumulative, the week before the race, was 8km.

The day before I jog/speed walked with Payten as both girlies ran the Youth Run, a 4.2km event with more than 2800 kids participating. This event was a blast. I was so proud of my girlies for doing so fantastic and I woke up on my race day felling like I’d already run my race. I wasn’t feel motivated, and with a lack of sleep the previous week due to insomnia clinic changes to my routine I was seriously tempted to DNS.

However, I was confident leading up to the event that I could finish 10km within a reasonable timeframe. While I went into the race with no time goal whatsoever, there was a little voice saying go for one hour, and an even smaller voice saying, hey wouldn’t it be amazing to pull a PB out of your @$$ ?? I didn’t PB ( My PB was just under the hour), but it was a slightly tougher course and I wasn’t far off in the end.

DVH, a buddy of Ian’s was visiting from SJ’s for the long weekend and had registered for the 10k, hoping to run with Ian who was pacing a 55min. finish. He didn’t get the training in that he’d hoped, and wasn’t sure what he’d do after all. I’d told him he was welcome to run with me if he felt so inclined, I knew my own limits and with the little devil-voice firmly pushed under, I planned to push it without hurting myself. As it turned out, we ran together for almost the entire race, a little chitchat, a little time to enjoy the view, and a little discussion of heart rates and pace.

At about the 8km mark my body was telling me “Woa! You haven’t pushed us this far, or this hard for an eternity! Are you sure you want to do this?” I let myself take a couple of walk breaks when another part of me was saying, just push through it – you can do it! The twinges in the knee were enough excuse for me, and who knows without those walk breaks early on, I may have been crawling through the finish. In the last 700m it was all I could do to keep pushing through. I kept hearing this other evil voice in my head saying, you COULD just walk it in! I was determined that I could make it and that I would do it running, but when I finished I had nothing extra left in me, not even the slightest sprint. I was confident that at 1:04:21 chip time, I had run as hard as I safely could.

Thanks to Caro, the girlies got to come out and cheer once again. They seem to be really getting into the whole road race lifestyle.

But the best news of the weekend was when I suggested to the director of Team Diabetes that they really ought to include some youth events (I just know Breanna would eat that up) and he told me that they are in the works for next year, including the Bluenose! As it turns out Breanna has already decided she can handle a 5k anyway, so we’ll be signing up for more Team D events in the near future. 🙂

Filed Under: Advocacy, Health & Fitness, Parenting, West Nova Family Tagged With: , , , ,

Brainstorming becoming a Consultant

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An idea I’ve floated around a lot after a number of different parents have suggested I do so, over the years has been to hand my shingle as a consultant to parents of early childhood topics, especially around early learning & care.  Now that I am in a stable part-time position, it seems a good time to take a bit of a risk, while also gainfully employed doing something I love.

For those who don’t know I have a background that includes a BA in Psychology/English; Early Childhood Education, and now a Bachelor of Social Work.  I’ve worked in many different areas of early learning & care including both program delivery as a classroom teacher/supervisor to administration as Director of family resource centres; preschools; child care centres in all age groups from infant through to school-age; women & children’s transition house; and more.

I welcome feedback and ideas.

Following are a non-exhaustive list of some of the services I might provide as an Early Childhood consultant.

Early Childhood / Family Consulting Services:

  • Helping families find quality child care: licensed/group; home-based; “nannies”
  • Helping child care providers get started: home-based and licensed group care
  • Helping child care providers assess their programs
  • Navigating systems (government – community services; family/child care; school boards; etc.)
  • Accessing resources
  • Design & development of Early Childhood programs
  • Development of Early Childhood program policies & Procedures
  • Coordination of professional development opportunities for early childhood professionals and parents
  • Toy/Equipment/Resource (EC books, videos, etc.) lending library ??? – later – will take some overhead
  • Improving Early Childhood programs
  • Acting as the catalyst for change in Early Childhood programs
  • Advocating with/for children, parents, families, early childhood professionals

Some other areas I know I’d need to plan prior to putting myself out there:
1)Fees: hourly?; packages: retainer – # hours/month for a set retainer monthly
2)Brochure
3)Plans for a newsletter
4)Templates for reports; communication; newsletter, etc.

Filed Under: Advocacy, General, Parenting

Kids & Food issues

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What is it about kids and food that has such huge emotional stress attached to it? Are they eating enough? Do they get enough variety? Can they even sustain themselves on such the inconsistent diet kept by many preschoolers and schoolagers?  Let alone grow? Is the sudden onset of non-stop eating a growth spurt? Are there underlying reasons they won’t eat that ought to be addressed? How much is too much?

I’m sure I’ve had every worry along the way, except perhaps if they might become obese from eating too much and doing too little.

For about a week now, one lunch box has come home virtually untouched, yet breakfast and supper are not a concern. I don’t think she’s really coping well on the 2 meal-a-day diet. With it has come moodiness and crankiness (to put it kindly). But how to deal with it?

So far the discussions and making a fuss over food left in lunchboxes have done nothing more than bring on tears. Still the issue persists.

Do we ignore it? Is it really not that big a deal? And if that’s the right course of action, why is it so hard to do? Why do I get a sinking feeling in my stomach when I see all the untouched food? Why do I get so angry at all the waste? Why do I feel I’m at such a loss to address this?

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: , ,

say what?

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“I’ll eat it, but I don’t have to like it!” My six year old daughter says so many things beyond her years. Today it was the butternut squash risotto I was buying, just to try it, that she referred to. Squash soup being the bane of her existence, this risotto I’m sure sounded to her to be a very close second. I had to laugh as she tried to negotiate her way out of it, before I even got it out of the store.

I just never know what is going to come out of this little girl’s mouth. She is taking everything in around her, even when (or perhaps: especially when) she does not appear to be listening at all. Often times we are driving our daily commute home at the end of the day, the radio is generally tuned to the news station to catch the frequent traffic updates, and my daughter is blabbering on about some nonsense, singing the latest music class favourite, or simply gazing out the window, when suddenly she’ll ask me a very pointed question about the news story that was just being covered. I have to admit, my mind is rarely on the news at hand, instead it’s wandering to some other topic, and I haven’t a clue what exactly she just heard.

We’ve discussed the razing of Africville and the long awaited apology and compensation. She has suggested repeatedly how great it will be when we can go to the Africville interpretive centre as if it will be opening tomorrow. I’ve tried to explain that I really have no idea how long it will take for this to actually be a reality, but this matters not to her. What a fantastic place this Africville must have been and what horrible treatment they received!

Not far from our home there is a lot of new construction going up, some being at the cost of lovely trees, trails and wildlife – another topic of conversation likely initiated by the same. But there are also large condos being built where small single family homes until recently had occupied. I am told that my daughter recently informed Ian that “they had to tear down people’s houses to build that condo, just like Africville!” Well, sweety, it’s actually not very much like Africville. I’m pretty sure the people that lived in THOSE houses were paid well for their homes, homes that it would seem they weren’t even living in anymore. People in Africville were forced out of homes that they did not want to sell. And they’re entire community was torn down with it. Remember, that is why they were finally getting an apology from the city?

Or what about the time she told me that she was pretty sure that a lot of “those people who are asking for money for food, or coffee, or something, don’t really NEED that money, they just WANT it.” I don’t know exactly what gave her that idea, but she knows that we only give people on the street food, not cash.

I really ought to keep a record of her insights. She sounds well beyond her years, so often.

Filed Under: Parenting, West Nova Family
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