I’m here – half standing, half sitting, perched on a bar stool at my counter height table – wishing more than anything I had a nice comfy lounge chair to be outside enjoying the unseasonable end-of-summer heat. I left work early due to back spasms that just aren’t letting up. Fortunately, I have a sweet spouse who offered to swap me massage appointments (we see the same RMT) so that I can get in tomorrow morning, rather than wait until Thursday. In the meantime, I’m trying to get by on ibuprofen, alternating ice and heat.

As usual I’m struggling staying focused on anything. I found some great sources of information to help me hone my desire to do something unique while satisfying my personal goals in life, but as I ran out of time on the day discovered I also lost my focus moving forward. Somehow I need to get back there and continue the momentum. I can see why people need to take week-long hiatuses to go through this process effectively. Unfortunately that’s just not in the cards for me right now. And so I flounder (again).

This back pain is a prime example of how the distractions in my life seem to just take over and interfere. I know that in many cases it’s simply because I have let it happen, in others I just haven’t found the answer yet.

When it comes to my fitness the latter applies. Being diagnosed with fibromyalgia three years ago was at first a bit of validation that I was dealing with something that was not all in my head. But it doesn’t give me any real answers. It hasn’t helped me to feel better. I have tried many strategies, and have managed to improve the situation in bite sizes, however the pain still interferes far too much with my daily life and my long-term goals. I want to be fit. I want to be able to just hop on my bike and do a day trip that involves a long ride there and back. I do not want to be hurting three weeks after every carefully planned attempt at restarting my fitness routine. I have tried so many things. I’m sick of this cycle of un-success. Today I did what feels like the last option (of course I thought that with my last course of action, not knowing about this one). I called a pain management centre I recently learned of. They work with chronic pain sufferers in a self-managed/referred program that will likely involved some pretty dedicated commitment. But if I can get back to daily exercise that is not at the expense of my ability to function, I want it.

Some people would say: if it hurts, then just don’t do it. Many would love a reason to just not bother. But, I know in the long run that if I can find a way to make this work I’ll be healthier for much longer. Sedentary lifestyles result in heart disease, or Type 2 diabetes, or other disease… The short term sacrifice is SO worth the long term gain. Besides, my current mental state will also improve significantly with regular successful physical activity. Whether it is wise or not, I am really banking on this next step making room for significant changes.

Then there are the many other aspects of my life in which I must focus and achieve greater momentum and accomplishments. I started the process of planning, but haven’t completed the nitty gritty yet. I do know that I want to focus on one of my hobbies, learning how to become a better photographer. I bought the camera, and I’ve been playing around with it, but I need a little help getting this ball in motion, so I signed up for a basic municipal recreation evening class in Digital SLR. I can’t wait to get to know my camera and its abilities better!

I also entered a deadline into my calendar for blogging. I need to hold myself accountable. I want to write more. I want to write SOMETHING everyday. I’ve decided that publishing some written work daily on my blog is not entirely realistic for me at this time (just as publishing a photo a day isn’t). So I am committing to two new written entries each week. However, I hope I will somehow make time to write everyday, and then some of that can be stored up for future publishing when I have unforeseen challenges arise (i.e. illness or family obligations). After I start my photography course I’ll commit to two new photo entries each week as well.

These are actions to be added to my life plan that got stalled a week or two ago. They are baby steps, but at least I can feel like I’m doing something.