Yesterday I buried my mom. She was just 59 years young.

From MomsSlideshow

She was not nearly old enough to be taken by such a ruthless disease. But death does not discriminate. And cancer takes its share of the young.

We did not have enough time together. My mother did not have enough time on this earth. She had so much living left to do. I have so much life left that will require her support. To whom will I turn for those things only mom could ever comfort and guide me through?

How long will it be before I can’t picture that look in her eye when she greeted me after any length of time apart? When will I no longer be able to hear her voice in my mind saying “Hi, sweet girl”?

Why did two of the most wonderful women in my life have to be taken from me at such a premature age?

Yesterday we bade a final farewell with a beautiful send off celebrating the life of a woman who needed little and asked for even less. She had a real appreciation for all she’d been provided with and gave so much of herself to everyone lucky enough to know her.

All day I was very pre-occupied with giving mom a proper send off. While I had my moments of sadness, the day was more about celebrating her life with loved ones and helping my dad through the day. Today felt as I expected it to, as if a giant curtain had fallen. My mother is gone forever and my heart is aching.

My ten-year-old daughter cried for the first time since mom’s passing 12 days ago, today.

I was married last Saturday. Mom was supposed to be there. It was a quiet intimate ceremony planned around her needs in her final days in mom and dad’s home. We stood in front of my mother’s urn, with her watching over us with approval. A friend told me that she pictured my mother, with her mother by her side smiling down on us. Mom would have been telling Nanny all about the people present. I hope she is right. I want to believe mom is happily reunited with her own mother, also taken from us at 59 and far too abruptly.

For me today is a day of reflection, one during which I have allowed myself time with no other responsibilities. Time to nourish a body and mind drained of all energy. Time to just be, with the absence of my mom.