I want a do-over!

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Summer, is just never long enough is it? I know some say they can’t wait to get their kids back in school and back to “normal”, but the season itself just goes by too fast.

We really do enjoy the fall and the back to school transition here. The newness of all of the activities and the familiarity of most. Autumn is really my favourite season (and it’s not long enough either). I love change, and there seems to be an extra abundance of it in the fall.

I love the fall foliage. I love starting dance and music lessons again. I love the cool dry air. I love running with fallen leaves crunching under my feet, in long pants and long sleeve shirts, while cool enough to enjoy the workout.

Yet, I despair the end of summer. We’re an active family and summer just flies by too fast, with the alternating vacations between here and their dad’s, with grandparents who also want time with their little ones, and with the desire to explore, there’s never enough time to just enjoy the relaxed mode of summer at home. This summer we stayed put once again for our vacation. Two weeks of hanging at the lake, afternoon trips to the ocean, and a couple of playdates with friends. But, summer is coming to a close and I feel gypped! We only get those two short weeks at home, doing fun family summer activities?

It’s simply not enough. I want a do-over.

I love the fall foliage. I love starting dance and music lessons again.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: , , , ,

What’s in a name?

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I recently participated in a light-hearted discussion with my mom and some friends of hers, who have a similar family situation (pseudo re-married, with children), about what we call my significant other.  Just how do I, and others, refer to him?  For my children it’s fairly simple – we call him their Bonus Dad, although not everyone “gets it”.  The term was coined by Jann Blackstone & Sharyl Jupe, who offer an explanation of the reference here: http://www.bonusfamilies.com/articles/bonus-living.php He calls them his Bonus Daughters, but even that doesn’t sound quite right to me considering he has no other daughters.  However, it works for them.

But back to me, what do I the single mom, now sharing daily responsibilities with a new life partner call my significant other?  At 30-something and 4 years in I can’t imagine calling him my boyfriend – I really never have. Besides, we’re really beyond that now aren’t we?  Together, we bought a home and are raising my children.  I sometimes refer to him as my partner, and it never feels quite right.  We don’t like how “partner” sounds either like a business relationship, or is accompanied (for some people) with a strange feeling of the need to qualify that we are not gay. During this conversation some humorous stories were shared of how some found themselves doing so at one time or another (“…and no, she’s not gay!  I’m just sayin’…” or “her partner, is a really nice guy!”).  Spouse sounds impersonal – like something a professional would use in an attempt to be politically correct.  Partner-in-life, or life partner, sounds so formal, and rather difficult to use in conversation.  I don’t know if we’ll ever marry, but if we do it will be a big decision, and I don’t like referring to him as my husband, when we haven’t made that decision yet.  So where does that leave us? A friend of mine referred to her man in her life as “my Michael”.  And I do find myself often simply referring to mine by somehow tieing him in to my family as an addition (“my girlies… and Ian”).

If anyone can offer an insightful suggestion I’m all ears!

It’s incredible to me how something as simple as a title or reference to someone has so much tied up in the language.  But it only goes to show how complex this whole transition in life can be.

Meanwhile, I seem to be referred to by my Newfoundlander as “Da Wife”. Hmmm.

Filed Under: Parenting, West Nova Family Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Long & Winding Road of reshaping a family

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After writing a little about my somewhat-short-and-not-so-distant past as a single mom, I wanted to write about the process of blending families.  Our family is likely the least complicated of blending since there are no other children involved. 

However, it’s been a long and challenging (yet rewarding) process from single mom and “friend”, to combining our two households and all of the adjustments that come along with that, to the point we’re at now where it feels more normal and right to live this life than looking back on our previous ones.

My significant other got thrown into a ready-made family, thrown into parenting where rules, routines and traditions had already been established. We had to learn to bend and adapt our ways, and had steep a learning curve all around. It’s been challenging to be sure, and we’re certainly not over the hump yet, but it feels like we’re very close.

I don’t consider myself a single mom anymore.  The challenges I once had with finding time for myself, juggling all of the household responsibilities and finances, and making decisions about how to parent my children are shared with a partner who chose to be a part of our lives, and cares very much for every one of us.  While I know I don’t show it enough, I am so thankful to him for how much easier he makes things for us (most especially me) in so many ways. It’s the most incredible feeling to finally know someone has got my back, no matter what the circumstances.

Yet, the fact is that ultimately these two girls are my charges, and there will always be certain responsibilities and obligations that are no one else’s but mine, (and their father’s).  As much as I want to just let it all go, there’s also a teeny part of me that is reminded of how things didn’t go as planned once before, and that there are so many “What if’s” that could change things again one day. But mainly, it’s simply knowing that I brought these children into the world, and that when it comes right down to it, if we cannot agree on something, the decision to be made is always mine. In that regard, I feel I will always have one foot partially on that path of single parenthood. It’s a bit of a lonely feeling, but I remind myself that we’re not alone – there are families everywhere going through similar processes… And that even when he doesn’t fully agree with me, Ian has my back.

Fortunately, we have a relationship built on respect. It is truly the deal-breaker value for us, and we will generally find a way to work together to find a solution.

I feel truly blessed. Not only has it been worth waiting for, but every experience (good & bad) was worth living – for they brought me to this place.

Filed Under: Parenting, West Nova Family Tagged With: , , , ,

I have been published on the YummyMummyClub.ca!

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Check me out here.

 

When I first became a single mom, I turned to running to maintain my sanity.

Single parenting has been a lot like endurance sport training. I must pace myself, sustain myself, take cut-back weeks and most of all, keep my eye on the prize.

How do I pace myself at this? Sick kids, challenging behaviours, overwhelming sense of responsibility. Something I continue to learn about: not taking on too much, not in the things I choose to do, nor the emotional sense. Just as training plans sometimes call for something beyond my current limits, so too does life.

What then? How do I keep on moving?

There are times, when I simply have to grin and bear it, but for others I must learn to say no. Perhaps its saying no to that playdate arranged last week, or giving myself permission to serve PB sandwiches for supper. Perhaps its a much needed soak in the tub while my children watch moreTV than usual, or letting go of the guilt when the boyfriend sneaks in after bedtime.

Sustenance comes in many forms. Balanced meals, nutritious snacks, and tide-me-over-fuel-to-go-the- extra-mile energy drinks. But there are also recovery workouts when I take it easy but keep my muscles moving to prevent them from seizing up.

I needed to figure out what sustains me, especially mentally and emotionally. For me it is literally running out the door away from it all to focus on no one but myself. Its rarely easy. Sometimes I have had to sneak minutes (and even a little “cross training”) here and there.

I had to learn to ask for and accept help when I needed it. Taking cut-back weeks have been challenging. There is a fear of losing ground. But studies have shown that athletes are much better off when they take them, than when they don’t. In parenting it means, I try to say no to some of the regular activities and demands. To make a conscious effort to be less busy for one week out of four. No playdates, no favours for friends, no stressing over bills, no arguing with the ex, no, no and no. This is one that I am often less successful at.

Keeping my eye on the prize can be the most challenging part. I am no elite athlete. But I will finish, and in a goal time that I have realistically set to challenge myself. As a single mom, my prize is a little harder to quantify, but is so much more rewarding. It’s the smiles and hugs from the two who love me unconditionally no matter how much I mess up. The ones who know that whatever I bring, is the best I have to offer in the moment, and is everything they need.

And sometimes it’s in the secret rendezvous. 😉

Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: ,

“Five More Things”

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I decided to try a new strategy with the 7-yr-old-who-turns-into-a-monster when the words “clean-up your room” are uttered. I’ve tried “pick up your things”, “start with the…”, etc. All result in a meltdown and me standing hovering over a crying child forcing her to attend to the task at hand while I do most of the work.

I’ve found an approach that eliminates the meltdown, but it is a very slow moving sort of progress (one step forward, two steps back). “Before you move onto the next activity, please go to your room and pick up “Five More Things”.” The problem is twenty things end up on the floor again before I can send her back to pick up “Five More Things”. I guess the next step is to determine what the ceiling is before the meltdown happens… seven things? Ten things? Then we’ll have to start working on expanding the limit. It’s a long arduous process in which the bedroom floor never seems to become unearthed.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: , , , , ,

Chocolate & Slurpees, life’s elixir?!

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So, I’m already falling behind in my daily posting challenge. Yesterday was a busy beach day – morning at the lake for swimming lessons (I get to swim while the girlies learn 🙂 ) and nearly six hours on Queensland Beach soaking up the rays and bobbing in the ocean. 🙂

A friend presented me with a topic for my writing challenge: health benefits of chocolate and slurpees. Little did she know these both had tremendous benefits for me. 🙂 The chocolate is pretty easy. Who doesn’t love it? (only freaks, if you must know) Since learning the anti carcinogenic benefits of dark chocolate I have become somewhat more of a chocolate snob. I don’t eat those Canadian candy bars anymore – unless that’s the only chocolate available 😉 and dark choclate must be of a certain quality to truly enjoy it (and enjoy it I do!). I no longer eat my chocolate easter bunnies, so the Easter Bunny must stop delivering the traditional 1 lb allan milk chocolate and start presenting me with something I deserve! Lindor, dark, perhaps?

I am a bit of an addict, but since refining my tastes have been able to refrain from daily consummation, because I just KNOW the good stuff is worth waiting for. 🙂

Now I know what you’re thinking, okay I get the healthy chocolate craze, but how are slurpees beneficial to health? For me it was during my first pregnancy, living in close vicinity to Seven-11 (real Slurpees, truly are the best) that I developed a craving almost daily as soon as summer hit. I NEEDED slurpees. It was the only hydration that really quenched my thirst and calmed my stomach! ) Never mind the crazy acrobatics my babe did every time I had one!) I stopped eating meat as it was completely revolting to me, substituted my protein source with seafood (which was truly a shame, not living on the “right” coast anymore 😉 ) While I OD’d on salmon, my true falling was the Slurpee. I made excuses to drive into town just so I could stop in to my favourite stop.

Writing this leaves me wanting for a Seven-11 coke Slurpee right now. Who can deliver? 😀

Filed Under: General, Health & Fitness, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , ,

Six-Year-Old-Child’s Irrational fears? or Drama Queen?

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I find myself pondering once again: What causes a child to have sudden, unexplainable, and seemingly irrational fears, that come and go and without warning.

My seven-year-old seems fearless in many ways. She’s so much more of a risk-taker than her older sister, but then surprises me: losing her mind with panic at a hornet buzzing around the patio table; freaking out as the bathtub-of-a-row-boat moves outside of some imagined safety-zone – while she sits (accompanied by an adult who can swim) in her life jacket & wetsuit fully capable of swimming 50 meters (without the use of either), whilst the boat is hardly 25 meters from the dock or the shore; or suddenly requesting the option of sleeping inside the house rather than the much anticipated tent (in which she slept last year without incident or fear)… I could go on and on at the number of recently cropped up fears, some of which we’ve managed to overcome, others leaving me at a loss.

I find the most challenging part being that I simply cannot empathize with her panic, that my first reaction is simply to be frustrated and off-putting. When I realize that this is not going to go away, I try to reason with her. I try to understand where it is coming from. Was there an incident I was not witness to? Did someone share some “enlightening” tale? What can we do to make it better? It rarely makes sense.

How many parents feel this overwhelming urge to just throw the child overboard (figuratively speaking, of course 😉 ) and let them experience what might happen? At what point are natural consequences and refusing to coddle effective strategies, and at what point might they make matters worse? I tend to err on the side of wishing not to make matters worse, but could that in itself be part of the problem? I am, however, by no means an overprotective mom. I let my children stand a little too close to the swings and be brushed by the sneakers of their companions.swinging by. I encourage attempts at independence that often require additional clean-up. I let my daughter cut the carrots to help prepare a meal, even though my head is saying “woa! that requires a very sharp knife!”

This weekend, my children were to sleep in the tent nearby to us (who were in the tent trailer), just down the hill behind Nanny & Grampy’s house. In addition to wanting some privacy, we didn’t want the extra work to set up and take down the additional beds in the trailer. We compromised. The tent got moved to within tripping distance of the trailer door. Then I suggested to my daughter that she’d miss out on one of the most fun parts of camping out with her sister – the shake awake and urgent whispering :did you hear?” This was all it took, and on night two there was nary a discussion.

Is she just a drama queen? Or is there something to these fears?

Filed Under: Parenting, West Nova Family Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Life can change in a single moment. Sometimes it takes a long time to see the results.

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When I moved my girlies and I “back home” to Nova Scotia, I envisioned my new life as a single mom to be long, arduous, and worth every hardship. I knew that I didn’t want my girls growing up believing that marriage was an institution they had to accept in whatever form it takes. I want them to know that happiness in life is essential. It may not be a steady flow, but in the big picture being happy should be something that one strives for and hopefully achieves overall.

For me that meant leaving a marriage, in which we’d experienced a great deal of heartache. Granted there were many happy times and two wonderful girls that resulted. However, in the grand scheme of things we were not meant to be – not without each sacrificing parts of ourselves that were inherent in our being. I wanted my girls to know that life is more than getting by, even if it means doing so without a life partner at your side.

So I began the grief process. Grieving a dream that wasn’t to be. Shifting my vision in life to the new reality of there not being a whole nuclear family growing old together.

I have wonderful friends who made life so much easier during the initial transition of our new life. And I sought companionship with no desire for partnership at the time.

One thing my marriage taught me, is what is really important to me. I learned what I am not willing to accept. And I know now what I must have in a life partner, if I am going to have one at all. I know I need respect, first & foremost; that I need to see eye to eye with my partner on most (if not all) of the really important things that I value; that I can trust & rely on him; and that we will live our lives in a genuine way, never deceiving ourselves or one another about our thoughts, values or intentions (even when it might not be what the other wants to hear). When I recognized those things in this crazy adventurer that treated me with the respect I deserved and demanded, the timing was irrelevant. I didn’t want to pass the opportunity by.

And so a new life evolved soon after leaving the past behind. This life is never picture-perfect, but it is one in which it is safe to be real – however ugly (or beautiful) that picture might be sometimes.

The journey hasn’t been perfect – at times it’s downright scary. But it is a journey we choose to take with respect. Respect for each of the people involved, respect for the choices we make and for the gravity (& brevity) of life by times, and respect for how quickly things can change.

Everyday we make a conscious choice to continue the journey and hopefully enrich our lives in the process.

This is what I want my children to grow up knowing: That life is far to valuable to waste. That happiness is imperative. And that respect is non-negotiable.

Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,

“Blog-storming” a life plan

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“Blog-storming” a life plan

Forming a plan. Not as easy as it sounds. I had this fantastic idea last night, that I just need to sit down and truly plan what I want out of my life. Hell!? Where do I begin? Short term? Long term? What aspect of my life? This isn’t a new idea I had, I’ve talked about it many times before. What makes me think THIS TIME, I can come up with something that makes sense and is doable?

I really don’t think that, but I know I must believe it. I am so tired of floundering and considering my options and my million interests and my assets… and my limitations.

Getting started

So, where do I begin? The big vision? Here’s an attempt: One day I hope to see myself with security, with a good quality of life where I need not worry about the future. Having been a mom and a woman making sacrifices for my family and my ideologies, I have very little in the way of a nest egg. I haven’t socked away a big savings, nor established a promising investment for my retirement years, or my children’s future. I would like to see myself able to travel where I choose, when I choose and how I choose. I would like to see myself able to provide the kind of support my family might need, in whatever form that might take. I want to be confident I can take care of life’s surprises, including my (and my family’s) health as well as humanly possible. I want to know that I contribute to a better, more equitable society.

While I’ve always had a lot of ideas of ways I’d like to contribute to society through my career and benevolence, I know that deep down I’d like to find a way to do that while self-employed. Yet, I do not feel confident taking the full-blown plunge into self-sufficiency (i.e. leaving my job and opening a business). However, I have taken the first step towards making it possible, by securing a part-time job in my field that leaves me with time for my family and my other interests and endeavours. Now what is the next step? How/when do I know to take the plunge into a sea of possibilities and unknowns?

Prioritize

What are my dreams? Realistic options? My priorities? And in what order do I pursue them?

Here’s an in-exhaustive list:
Master’s degree
Social business: bookswap & fair trade coffee
Help to establish a Not-for-profit childcare facility (or lobby for public daycare)
Consulting/freelancing
Politics
Travel
Gardening
Sustainable home (eco-friendly & efficient)
Involved parenting
Significant role in a cause that I’m passionate about
Physical fitness
Entrepreneurship/self-employment
Advocacy/activism
Accomplishment of at least one of my hobbies/interests (photography; learning another language; musical instruments; etc.)
an orderly, yet comfortable home
…

What comes first?

What are the immediate priorities for me? I don’t see this as numbered in a sequential order, but more organic in nature. Parenting is at the top of the list to be certain – and with this means juggling the unique needs of a family that is non-traditional: 4.5 years separated/soon-to-be-divorced; and shared custody with their military dad who lives in a neighboring province. Self-employment is something I’d like to begin working towards, and think some of my other dreams fit in towards realizing this (i.e. consulting/freelancing). Advocacy/activism is inherent in my life, but I would like to make it a bigger part of what I do outside of my job – it’s time to assess where my greatest passions are. Physical fitness has to be one of the top priorities. Self care is of course a priority. Aside from my physical health, I acknowledge the need to make time for me. I will pick just one activity to pursue further, a little bit at a time – photography.

Down the road

Where does that leave some of the other dreams? The Master’s degree is something I’d like to pursue sooner, rather than later. I can table this consideration to a slightly later date – deadlines for Canadian Universities are somewhere around December or later for entry into the Fall 2011 start cohort. The social business, may or may not happen – something to keep in my back pocket for now. The childcare centre may fall into the advocacy work that I want to do, or may be something to consider becoming involved with down the road. Consulting/freelancing could easily be an avenue for some of my top priorities and should be a strong consideration for immediate future/present work. Politics is definitely a down-the-road consideration for personal participation, but again could fall in with some advocacy work in the near future. Travel is always something I do, if only in small ways (i.e. daytrips & short vacations). One day when I do not have two young children whose lives would be so greatly disrupted, this will move up on the list of priorities. Gardening can happen when we find the time/money to make some changes to our property. For now, I make small progress in the bits that currently exist. A sustainable home is something that we take baby steps toward everyday. We do the manageable pieces like recycling, changing light bulbs and turning off lights, flushing selectively, etc. One day I’d like to make a bigger investment into equipment that will allow us to reduce our footprint far more substantially. This too will have to wait until we have the financial resources to pursue it further. Playing a significant role in a cause that I’m passionate about, will happen as my advocacy work unfolds. At some point, I will know that I am really making a difference. First I need to find my focus. Accomplishment of at least one of my hobbies/interests is something I can make small steps towards, but I may need to table the really big work until a later stage in my life. Having an orderly, yet comfortable home is something I am continuously trying to achieve. I never feel like I’m “there”, but do feel like there have been big steps in the right direction. With so many other interests, I just have to accept this will never entirely be, without the financial means to hire someone else to maintain it for me. 🙂

So not exactly a plan, but the first step in forming one. After a short break, I will come back to this (today) to try to eek one out.

To recap, my main focuses will be (in no particular order): parenting; becoming self-employed; activism; physical fitness; and hobby: photography.

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

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Filed Under: Advocacy, General, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Eye on the Prize ~ Reflecting on life as a single mom

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When I first became a single mom, I turned to running to maintain my sanity. Single parenting has been a lot like endurance sport training. I must pace myself, sustain myself, take cut-back weeks and most of all, keep my eye on the prize.

How do I pace myself at this? Sick kids, challenging behaviours, overwhelming sense of responsibility. Something I continue to learn about: not taking on too much, not in the things I choose to do, nor the emotional sense. Just as training plans sometimes call for something beyond my current limits, so too does life. What then? How do I keep on moving? There are times, when I simply have to grin and bear it, but for others I must learn to say no. Perhaps it’s saying no to that playdate arranged last week, or giving myself permission to serve PB sandwiches for supper. Perhaps it’s a much needed soak in the tub while my children watch more TV than usual, or letting go of the guilt when the boyfriend sneaks in after bedtime.

Sustenance comes in many forms. Balanced meals, nutritious snacks, and tide-me-over-fuel-to-go-the- extra-mile energy drinks. But there are also recovery workouts when I take it easy but keep my muscles moving to prevent them from seizing up. I needed to figure out what sustains me, especially mentally and emotionally. For me it is literally running out the door away from it all to focus on no one but myself. It’s rarely easy. Sometimes I have had to sneak minutes (and even a little “crosstraining”) here and there. I had to learn to ask for and accept help when I needed it.

Taking cut-back weeks have been challenging. There is a fear of losing ground. But studies have shown that athletes are much better off when they take them, than when they don’t. In parenting it means, I try say no to some of the regular activities and demands. To make a conscious effort to be less busy for one week out of four. No playdates, no favours for friends, no stressing over bills, no arguing with the ex, no, no and no. This is one that I am often less successful at.

Keeping my eye on the prize can be the most challenging part. I am no elite athlete. But I will finish, and in a goal time that I have realistically set to challenge myself. As a single mom, my prize is a little harder to quantify, but is so much more rewarding. It’s the smiles and hugs from the two who love me unconditionally no matter how much I mess up. The ones who know that whatever I bring, is the best I have to offer in the moment, and is everything they need. And sometimes it’s in the secret rendezvous. 😉

Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , ,
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