Blogging for recovery (mental health)…

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The road to mental health recovery is a long, challenging one. There are curves and dips, mountains and valleys, switchbacks and stalls. Often moving so slowly we feel as if we’re in reverse. Occasionally we truly are. Sometimes the entire process has to restart, and while it feels like we’re back at the beginning, we never truly are. Each leg of the journey adds to the process – sometimes hastening the forward momentum and at times forcing us to a crawl.

Just as with the act of running, if there are two feet moving in a mostly forward direction, eventually we’ll get further ahead than when we began.

There is no magic cure. No pill to suddenly change the mood and make all of the contributing circumstances irrelevant. There are many factors that must each be tackled when the time is right, and eventually depression can be – if not entirely then at least mostly – overcome.

I am by no means in the clear when it comes to mental health. I know that life will continue to throw me curve balls and that my state of being in the moment will have a significant impact on how those events are dealt with by me.

I am confident though that today I am better equipped to weather the storms.

Photo credit: Debbie Roberts

Photo credit: Debbie Roberts

People ask me what I have done to improve my mental health, and there is no single thing. It took an accumulation of events for me to stop coping in a healthy way. It is an accumulation of activities and life changes that have allowed me to arrive on the other side.

Medication can be helpful as a sort of kickstart or bridge depending upon what you need. In my case, it was adjustments to pain medications – rather than an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication.

But that it is not what helped the most. My complete lifestyle change starting with leaving a job that was killing me in an almost systematic way is what did it. I started a new job in a much healthier environment where the ultimate goal is helping build a healthier community. I feel as though I have aligned myself with professional work that marries well with my own passion.

I have always found health-related changes easier to make when there is already a big change happening. While off to my new job, I started a better routine of exercise and eating well.

Today, almost daily I do 20-30 minutes of cardio and a light weight training circuit. 1-3 times/week I switch it up and take a land-based fitness or aqua fitness class instead, or in addition. Ultimately I knew I had arrived at my desired level of activity when not partaking became something I missed. I feel more like myself when I am active daily. And I am more conscious of what I put inside of my body at the same time.

None of these things are easy. I still see a doctor frequently for chronic pain issues. I still have days that I want to bury my head in the sand. But change really must come from within. Being ready to take ownership of my health and take risky steps to improve things required commitment and support. Whatever that support system looked like I used it. I saw a therapist who really just heard me and validated my feelings while encouraging me to keep moving forward. Friends and family, even passing acquaintances each played a role. Whether in the form of a wellness challenge at work, or bi-weekly tea dates with childhood friends… was all good.

Have you been wanting to make a change?

Just go for it, and stop being so hard on yourself!

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

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Uncomfortably numb. AKA depression.

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I’ve written before of the experience of living with depression. It is a unique experience for each and every one afflicted. Most people I know who have lived with depression identify with the feeling of disconnect, lack of clarity and perpetual fog that I know. There are common themes, but the severity, the presentation, the duration, the triggers… all vary.

I find myself grasping at the instances of sun peaking through the fog, like each one is the only one I’ll know. While I know that many other times I can’t even be bothered to open the curtains in hopes of a glimmer of the sun’s rays – the fog is just going to roll back in sooner than later anyway.

Mavilette Beach in fog

What started my depression? It’s really hard to say. My first memory of someone suggesting I was dealing with depression came when I was newly married, almost twenty years ago. An episode brought on by relationship problems. I muddled through and came out on the other side before I even saw the counselor I’d been referred to. For years after I struggled along, seeing each of my next challenging circumstances as separate and at no time did I consider the cumulative affects.

Stress, or the experience of feeling stressed can be brought on by both negative and positive circumstances. Extra-marital affair, moving, new jobs, birth of a child, work related stresses, purchasing a home, chronic pain, returning to school, death of a loved one, new career, abusive relationship, and on, and on. Each of these can and will have cumulative affects if not managed well, affects that manifest themselves in depression and/or anxiety.

Something else that I know is that no two individuals cope the same way, nor does one necessarily cope the same way in each cycle of depression. Some become hermits, some become promiscuous, while others still turn to substances or other vices for a high. Few know of my own struggles if I don’t speak openly of them.

I work in a challenging and stressful job where I make it through most days in much the same manner as my counterparts. Most days I manage to get my children to their own obligations and interests. The house is relatively well kept. Most of my finances are in order. I ask for and accept help much of the time. On the surface I keep it together most of the time.

My physical pain flares up with every additional stress in my life, good, bad or ugly, physical or emotional. My depression comes in waves and does not seem to correspond specifically with any set timing or circumstance. Sometimes, I can’t standthe idea of of being alone. Sometimes, I can’t bear the thought of entertaining someone else’s company. Most of the time I simply feel numb.

I doubt myself often. I doubt my judgement. I doubt my decisions. I doubt my feelings. And honestly, there seems no way of really knowing which ones are valid, genuine, or in my own best interests.

More often than not, I wish for a blank slate. There are only a few significant things in my life that I wouldn’t wish to do over.

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Sometimes the best change is that which comes from circumstances thrust upon you. It’s not about what the events actually are. It’s all in what you do with them. I try not to let life make my choices for me, but take control and make my own choices, even when all I want to do is bury my head in the sand.

Sometimes the actions and decisions of others force decisions to be made and actions to be taken just when we’ve grown complacent, or perhaps even have given up.

One thing I’m learning from a few of the most challenging circumstances in my life is to stop wishing life away. I catch myself still… wishing away the day and the week, just desperate for the weekend. Wanting to make time stand still on Saturday, to not have to go back to the responsibilities of day-to-day life.

So here I am trying to get better… better at: Making the most of life. Living in this moment. Living every day like there may be no tomorrow. Going with the flow and questioning things less. We hear it all the time. Death is the only real inevitability. Whether it comes today, tomorrow, next week, year or decade. It comes.

Sun and ocean

This is where I try to make my changes. It’s not cliché. It’s a fact, we have only this moment. Grab it.

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

I invite you to subscribe to my blog using one of the options available on my page (email, rss, Google Connect, like my page on Facebook, etc.)

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Filed Under: Health & Fitness, Mental health, Uncategorized, West Nova Family Tagged With: , , , ,

Depression returns

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Mavilette Beach in fog

All I know is that I want to stop feeling like I cannot focus on anything. I want to stop chasing rainbows. I want to stop experiencing pain. I want to go to bed, fall asleep, and wake in the morning feeling rested. I want to accept things for what they are, not something far bigger and insurmountable. I want to feel motivated to get out and do things that I love. I want to be fit. I want to sit and read a book for more than ten minutes at a time. And I want other things that I don’t feel so comfortable sharing here.

I want to care about things deeply, not just logically.

 

I originally wrote these words in December 2010. It wasn’t the last time I had such thoughts.

It has come back in cycles surrounding the anniversary of my mother’s death, though I think that’s more of a trigger than a cause. Most recently, I felt a rather intense disconnect and low in December (2014).

I am working on improving my state of mind. But due to a strained situation and some ongoing pain (both physically and emotionally) I found myself feeling depressed. I felt no desire. No real feeling of connection to anything. A sense of apathy. No appetite. And to be honest I just felt like I was on the verge of tears periodically throughout the day. It is by no means over, but I think I have begun traveling the path of healing.

I made an appointment to see a therapist. I went back to my previous therapist in the interim. I started a new fitness program in the hopes of getting back in shape. And I started trying to take small bites out of the straining situation(s) that feel far beyond my control. There is really no worse feeling than that of being trapped in a situation, and so I attempt to make what small choices I can. I know that the only way for me to get “un-stuck” is to try to make small changes and do new things.

 

FullSizeRender (1)

I have attempted to take back some of the activities that I love, from reading to photography. I started something “new” – I picked up an old saxophone, special thanks to old friends, and intend to re-learn something I knew how to do nearly 25 years ago.

My fitness program is a video series with a set schedule. I chose the least intense program offered in efforts not to cause a flare-up of my chronic pain. I have allowed myself permission to adapt the program. If I try to follow someone else’s idea of taking it easy, I will likely find myself out of commission for longer again. So I decided that even though the program didn’t call for it, I would allow a break after three days. And when the pain had not subsided enough I allowed myself a second rest day. Tomorrow will be challenging, as I know how hard it is to form a new habit, especially after losing so much headway over the past months (and years even). But I am determined to get back in shape and do so in a way that I can hopefully sustain.

This holiday vacation I managed to read an entire novel in a matter of several days, a feat I haven’t dared imagine in the last two years. I started another book and hope I can make it through this one too.

I am considering seeing my doctor about a prescription, but will wait until I see my new therapist this week. I am not convinced that situational depression necessarily benefits much from chemical treatment. I know it might provide me a bit of a breather to allow the space needed to do the work to get better. I feel like I pushed through the darkness and fog and am moving toward lighter days. But I will leave it to the expert to advise me appropriately.

Once again it is difficult to admit such weakness, although I know in doing so I can increase my chances of getting better sooner. In my experience, sharing – rather than hiding – depression makes it easier for support to become available and for me to accept help.

What do you do to help yourself out of as slump?

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

I invite you to subscribe to my blog using one of the options available on my page (email, rss, Google Connect, like my page on Facebook, etc.)

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Depression… (why is it so hard to hit “publish”?)

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Distant Thoughts

Photo by Paul Wesson Photography

Originally posted 5 Dec 2010: reposted for mental health awareness

Feeling particularly scattered as of late. I don’t know if it’s the time of the year, or just everything catching up with me, but I can’t seem to complete a thought, a book, or an activity… I’ve been trying to write a new post unsuccessfully for a while now. So, this will likely be a bit disjointed.

It feels like everything around me is moving in fast-forward, while I’ve got my own slow-motion activated. I wish I could say that slowing down is helping me to get greater enjoyment out of life, but rather it is just the opposite. I feel as though everything is happening without me. I’m not a player, but simply an observer, and I cannot form a thought well enough to reflect on what I witness.

Everything seems to be coming together, while I have this very real feeling of not having a handle on anything, and therefore a fear that it will all unravel at any moment.

It’s a crazy time of the year with school concerts, dance and piano recitals, Christmas parties, prepping for holiday festivities, all on top of the regular stuff. But I’m not sure that’s what has me feeling so disconnected. I’ve done this year after year, with even more on my plate. However, if I’m honest with myself, I know why I’m feeling this way.

I saw my doctor last week to discuss whether I may be suffering with depression.

This is difficult to share, but I’m pretty much an open-book most of the time and I’ve always believed there is nothing to be ashamed of in having a mood disorder, temporary or longer lasting. I guess it’s time to live what I preach. I’m fortunate to have a really fantastic doctor. He spent a lot of time with me discussing all aspects of how I’ve been feeling and for how long, then had me complete a questionnaire – I forget what it’s called but it’s a pretty standard one. It showed an indication of mild depression, and also gave us a baseline to refer to during treatment.

The interesting thing is that my doctor tells me chronic pain doesn’t usually cause depression, however depression can intensify pain. So, this would seem to indicate that it’s because I’m depressed that my pain has worsened over the past three months. Interesting.

I can’t say that there have been any significant events or experiences recently that would be cause for such a mental state. I had honestly attributed it to the chronic pain, and my frustration and discouragement as well as lack of motivation, and inability to follow-though with stuff. My doctor has ordered a bunch of bloodwork to rule out any of the major health issues that go hand in hand with depression. We’ve started a treatment, and I will follow up with him in a week.

All I know is that I want to stop feeling like I cannot focus on anything. I want to stop chasing rainbows. I want to stop experiencing pain. I want to go to bed, fall asleep, and wake in the morning feeling rested. I want to accept things for what they are, not something far bigger and insurmountable. I want to feel motivated to get out and do things that I love. I want to be fit. I want to sit and read a book for more than ten minutes at a time. And I want other things that I don’t feel so comfortable sharing here.

I want to care about things deeply, not just logically.

I find myself carrying out activities because I KNOW that they’re important to me, while I don’t FEEL anything but apathy towards most things lately. My life feels like it has a haze or fog hanging over everything. Colors don’t have any vibrancy. Sounds are muffled. And everything, and I do mean everything, irritates me. The worst thing that I’m irritated by is myself. My physical self. The feel of my body, my skin, and the muscles that ache without end.

I don’t share this seeking your sympathy. In fact, sympathy would likely be the last response I would wish for. I don’t wish to commiserate, but I do wish to connect. If I can’t feel connected to the world around me in any other way, perhaps someone out there knows what I’m talking about. Can relate. Perhaps connections can be made with someone who’s been there and overcome, or maybe finds it to be an ongoing struggle, or perhaps even someone who’s never felt able to talk about this outside of a doctor’s office. I welcome your connections. Publicly or privately.

Perhaps with an open dialogue others might find a way to talk openly, or ask for help. If you can’t ask for help for yourself, then do it for the people who care about you. If for no other reason, I consulted my physician so that I could find a way to not be so difficult to live with. Someone will thank me for it someday. 😉

 

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

I invite you to subscribe to my blog using one of the options available on my page (email, rss, Google Connect, like my page on Facebook, etc.)

If you enjoyed this post, please do like/share it. You can do so using the easy share button below!

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To hell and back, again and again, and again…

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For a long time I’ve been wanting to tackle some big issues with my writing. These are not easy discussions to be had, with others, or with myself. However, even while in the midst of them I tried to be open and share what I was going through for one simple reason: there is no need to be ashamed, especially when you are not in the wrong. Plain and simple we NEED to talk about these things. My goal in sharing my experiences is not to seek sympathy, nor commiserate, but to present an opportunity for open dialogue, to reach out to those who need to know they are not alone in their experiences.

I am going to write a series of posts. They won’t share dirty details, well at least not any identifying ones… I can’t promise how much will be left out, in the interest of illustrating and sharing the reality of these stories – and generating discussion amongst others who have been there, are there now, continue to deal with them, etc.

Dan Pearce of Single Dad Laughing inspired me to finally share my stories. He wrote a post about his journey(s) through hell, and why he’d never change things. I’ve always felt the same way: every experience I had has made me the person I am today. As much as I wish NEVER for anyone I care about (or despise for that matter) to experience some of the pain that I have, I wouldn’t undo any of it. They’ve all been learning experiences, and some have resulted in a better me than I could have ever become intensionally.

All that said and yet I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. My experiences have been (without doubt) both painful and stressful, but I do not mistake them for much greater hardships that others endure and survive. In the worst of my experiences and heartaches, I’ve often found myself thankful that I am not going through that much worse experience of ___ (whatever I may imagine to be worse than my own present state at the time) ___.

My plan is that I will write a series of posts, in no particular order, and with no particular deadline (I believe I must feel innately compelled to write about the particular experience at the time that I tackle it). Here’s a little idea of what’s to come:

  • Bullying:
      • my experiences as a child of 9-11 in a community where I was technically in the minority, while still a part of the greater society’s majority.
      • my experiences as the new girl in a junior high school
      • work place harassment
      • the parent’s great fear of seeing one of their own become a victim of a bully
  • Infidelity and all of the complexities that come along with two very different yet familiar experiences
  • Separation & Divorce
  • Chronic pain
  • Depression

I welcome those who feel so inclined to share their own stories or suffering and overcoming, whether they be related or no.

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Damn it, I’ve lost my focus and don’t know where to find it…

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Today I’m doing one of those spinning in a million different directions things… I keep starting things, then suddenly realizing, I was in the middle of something else and I have no idea how I got where I am now.

I want to blog about a great book I read, then I realize I should blog about the progress I’ve made… I actually read a book, cover to cover in two days! In fact, I read two books, in four, two days each! I was sick, and I still managed to focus on my reading and stick with it!

I saw my doctor today to follow up and see if the meds are helping with the depression. It’s hard to make a very conclusive call since I was sick, very sick, for most of the time since I last saw him. However, he seems to think I’ve made some small improvements in spite of being sick, which likely means we’re on the right track. Perhaps the improvements would be more significant otherwise, so we’ll maintain the current plan and see what happens in 4 weeks.

It’s probably time to put Christmas away. It is January 7th. It’s just weird because usually I feel this overwhelming compulsion to tuck it all neatly back in it’s boxes and clear the clutter, by New Year’s day. It still feels mostly cozy to me. The tree is still up, although I feel silly about lighting it now… ah, one last time and then I’ll put the girlies to work deconstructing.

Tomorrow afternoon I hope to take the girlies skating on the Canada Games oval. Perhaps it will feel like winter for once, as I hear we’re expecting some snow this weekend! There’s been interesting talk about trying to keep the Oval permanently in Halifax, and I really hope we can make it happen. As long as we can ensure the greatest year-round use of the Commons, I think it would be a really fantastic use of the space. I mean, we once could count on skating on ponds and lakes throughout Nova Scotia all winter long… those days are long gone.

Yesterday, I almost questioned whether I’d lost some time somehow, perhaps slept through January, February and March…? I saw porpoises or dolphins, a small pod of 5-6, in the waters outside of Halifax Harbour. They should be gone south. Is it climate change effect? Or just a fluke? Or did I really miss winter? I would have loved for them to be whales. We weren’t close enough to get a good look, and unfortunately I’d left my camera at home not knowing I was even going to be leaving the office, but it’s even less likely they were whales than porpoises, right? I mean it’s unusual to see whales that close to shore anyway, let alone in winter in the Atlantic Ocean.

So you see, I can’t find my focus, my thoughts are scattered in the wind. Today, will be a day of small, short projects, because that appears to be enough of a challenge for my brain…

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