Blogging for recovery (mental health)…

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The road to mental health recovery is a long, challenging one. There are curves and dips, mountains and valleys, switchbacks and stalls. Often moving so slowly we feel as if we’re in reverse. Occasionally we truly are. Sometimes the entire process has to restart, and while it feels like we’re back at the beginning, we never truly are. Each leg of the journey adds to the process – sometimes hastening the forward momentum and at times forcing us to a crawl.

Just as with the act of running, if there are two feet moving in a mostly forward direction, eventually we’ll get further ahead than when we began.

There is no magic cure. No pill to suddenly change the mood and make all of the contributing circumstances irrelevant. There are many factors that must each be tackled when the time is right, and eventually depression can be – if not entirely then at least mostly – overcome.

I am by no means in the clear when it comes to mental health. I know that life will continue to throw me curve balls and that my state of being in the moment will have a significant impact on how those events are dealt with by me.

I am confident though that today I am better equipped to weather the storms.

Photo credit: Debbie Roberts

Photo credit: Debbie Roberts

People ask me what I have done to improve my mental health, and there is no single thing. It took an accumulation of events for me to stop coping in a healthy way. It is an accumulation of activities and life changes that have allowed me to arrive on the other side.

Medication can be helpful as a sort of kickstart or bridge depending upon what you need. In my case, it was adjustments to pain medications – rather than an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication.

But that it is not what helped the most. My complete lifestyle change starting with leaving a job that was killing me in an almost systematic way is what did it. I started a new job in a much healthier environment where the ultimate goal is helping build a healthier community. I feel as though I have aligned myself with professional work that marries well with my own passion.

I have always found health-related changes easier to make when there is already a big change happening. While off to my new job, I started a better routine of exercise and eating well.

Today, almost daily I do 20-30 minutes of cardio and a light weight training circuit. 1-3 times/week I switch it up and take a land-based fitness or aqua fitness class instead, or in addition. Ultimately I knew I had arrived at my desired level of activity when not partaking became something I missed. I feel more like myself when I am active daily. And I am more conscious of what I put inside of my body at the same time.

None of these things are easy. I still see a doctor frequently for chronic pain issues. I still have days that I want to bury my head in the sand. But change really must come from within. Being ready to take ownership of my health and take risky steps to improve things required commitment and support. Whatever that support system looked like I used it. I saw a therapist who really just heard me and validated my feelings while encouraging me to keep moving forward. Friends and family, even passing acquaintances each played a role. Whether in the form of a wellness challenge at work, or bi-weekly tea dates with childhood friends… was all good.

Have you been wanting to make a change?

Just go for it, and stop being so hard on yourself!

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

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Filed Under: General, Health & Fitness, Mental health Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Struggle to focus

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I struggle with finding things to say/write, or even to focus on specific tasks that aren’t very tangible. I can push through washing, hanging, folding a load of laundry; washing and putting away dishes, or even a 30 minute walk or spin. But to focus on a book, writing, even a little time with my photographs is a challenge.

It’s getting better. I spent two weekends reflecting and enjoying my time alone. I had time with friends, but most of time was spent in solitude. And it was good.

I lack focus and wish I could get some of things I really love done, but at the same time, the things I spend my time doing are all necessary evils. I actually relax better and feel less stressed with a clean house. Life is less chaotic when we have healthy, tasty meals planned and prepared for. A book is a little more palatable in small chunks when nothing else is distracting me at home.

So, it’s a work in progress. Hopefully in the not-too-distant future I’ll have found remedies for a number of the causes. Until then, I keep whittling away at things.

(Better than last month.)

 

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

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Filed Under: General, Health & Fitness, West Nova Family Tagged With:

Uncomfortably numb. AKA depression.

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I’ve written before of the experience of living with depression. It is a unique experience for each and every one afflicted. Most people I know who have lived with depression identify with the feeling of disconnect, lack of clarity and perpetual fog that I know. There are common themes, but the severity, the presentation, the duration, the triggers… all vary.

I find myself grasping at the instances of sun peaking through the fog, like each one is the only one I’ll know. While I know that many other times I can’t even be bothered to open the curtains in hopes of a glimmer of the sun’s rays – the fog is just going to roll back in sooner than later anyway.

Mavilette Beach in fog

What started my depression? It’s really hard to say. My first memory of someone suggesting I was dealing with depression came when I was newly married, almost twenty years ago. An episode brought on by relationship problems. I muddled through and came out on the other side before I even saw the counselor I’d been referred to. For years after I struggled along, seeing each of my next challenging circumstances as separate and at no time did I consider the cumulative affects.

Stress, or the experience of feeling stressed can be brought on by both negative and positive circumstances. Extra-marital affair, moving, new jobs, birth of a child, work related stresses, purchasing a home, chronic pain, returning to school, death of a loved one, new career, abusive relationship, and on, and on. Each of these can and will have cumulative affects if not managed well, affects that manifest themselves in depression and/or anxiety.

Something else that I know is that no two individuals cope the same way, nor does one necessarily cope the same way in each cycle of depression. Some become hermits, some become promiscuous, while others still turn to substances or other vices for a high. Few know of my own struggles if I don’t speak openly of them.

I work in a challenging and stressful job where I make it through most days in much the same manner as my counterparts. Most days I manage to get my children to their own obligations and interests. The house is relatively well kept. Most of my finances are in order. I ask for and accept help much of the time. On the surface I keep it together most of the time.

My physical pain flares up with every additional stress in my life, good, bad or ugly, physical or emotional. My depression comes in waves and does not seem to correspond specifically with any set timing or circumstance. Sometimes, I can’t standthe idea of of being alone. Sometimes, I can’t bear the thought of entertaining someone else’s company. Most of the time I simply feel numb.

I doubt myself often. I doubt my judgement. I doubt my decisions. I doubt my feelings. And honestly, there seems no way of really knowing which ones are valid, genuine, or in my own best interests.

More often than not, I wish for a blank slate. There are only a few significant things in my life that I wouldn’t wish to do over.

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Sometimes the best change is that which comes from circumstances thrust upon you. It’s not about what the events actually are. It’s all in what you do with them. I try not to let life make my choices for me, but take control and make my own choices, even when all I want to do is bury my head in the sand.

Sometimes the actions and decisions of others force decisions to be made and actions to be taken just when we’ve grown complacent, or perhaps even have given up.

One thing I’m learning from a few of the most challenging circumstances in my life is to stop wishing life away. I catch myself still… wishing away the day and the week, just desperate for the weekend. Wanting to make time stand still on Saturday, to not have to go back to the responsibilities of day-to-day life.

So here I am trying to get better… better at: Making the most of life. Living in this moment. Living every day like there may be no tomorrow. Going with the flow and questioning things less. We hear it all the time. Death is the only real inevitability. Whether it comes today, tomorrow, next week, year or decade. It comes.

Sun and ocean

This is where I try to make my changes. It’s not cliché. It’s a fact, we have only this moment. Grab it.

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

I invite you to subscribe to my blog using one of the options available on my page (email, rss, Google Connect, like my page on Facebook, etc.)

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Filed Under: Health & Fitness, Mental health, Uncategorized, West Nova Family Tagged With: , , , ,

Dance for the Whole Family at Maritime Dance Academy | City Mom Now

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Maritime Dance Academy

Maritime Dance Academy

Have you considered a dance program like Maritime Dance Academy for your family’s extra-curricular activities?   Many moms struggle with managing all of the activities their children are involved in let alone finding time for their own similar activities. As the kids grow older, the activities become…

 

Click here to read more…

Filed Under: Halifax, Health & Fitness, Parenting, Reviews, Uncategorized, West Nova Family Tagged With: , , ,

Depression… (why is it so hard to hit “publish”?)

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Distant Thoughts

Photo by Paul Wesson Photography

Originally posted 5 Dec 2010: reposted for mental health awareness

Feeling particularly scattered as of late. I don’t know if it’s the time of the year, or just everything catching up with me, but I can’t seem to complete a thought, a book, or an activity… I’ve been trying to write a new post unsuccessfully for a while now. So, this will likely be a bit disjointed.

It feels like everything around me is moving in fast-forward, while I’ve got my own slow-motion activated. I wish I could say that slowing down is helping me to get greater enjoyment out of life, but rather it is just the opposite. I feel as though everything is happening without me. I’m not a player, but simply an observer, and I cannot form a thought well enough to reflect on what I witness.

Everything seems to be coming together, while I have this very real feeling of not having a handle on anything, and therefore a fear that it will all unravel at any moment.

It’s a crazy time of the year with school concerts, dance and piano recitals, Christmas parties, prepping for holiday festivities, all on top of the regular stuff. But I’m not sure that’s what has me feeling so disconnected. I’ve done this year after year, with even more on my plate. However, if I’m honest with myself, I know why I’m feeling this way.

I saw my doctor last week to discuss whether I may be suffering with depression.

This is difficult to share, but I’m pretty much an open-book most of the time and I’ve always believed there is nothing to be ashamed of in having a mood disorder, temporary or longer lasting. I guess it’s time to live what I preach. I’m fortunate to have a really fantastic doctor. He spent a lot of time with me discussing all aspects of how I’ve been feeling and for how long, then had me complete a questionnaire – I forget what it’s called but it’s a pretty standard one. It showed an indication of mild depression, and also gave us a baseline to refer to during treatment.

The interesting thing is that my doctor tells me chronic pain doesn’t usually cause depression, however depression can intensify pain. So, this would seem to indicate that it’s because I’m depressed that my pain has worsened over the past three months. Interesting.

I can’t say that there have been any significant events or experiences recently that would be cause for such a mental state. I had honestly attributed it to the chronic pain, and my frustration and discouragement as well as lack of motivation, and inability to follow-though with stuff. My doctor has ordered a bunch of bloodwork to rule out any of the major health issues that go hand in hand with depression. We’ve started a treatment, and I will follow up with him in a week.

All I know is that I want to stop feeling like I cannot focus on anything. I want to stop chasing rainbows. I want to stop experiencing pain. I want to go to bed, fall asleep, and wake in the morning feeling rested. I want to accept things for what they are, not something far bigger and insurmountable. I want to feel motivated to get out and do things that I love. I want to be fit. I want to sit and read a book for more than ten minutes at a time. And I want other things that I don’t feel so comfortable sharing here.

I want to care about things deeply, not just logically.

I find myself carrying out activities because I KNOW that they’re important to me, while I don’t FEEL anything but apathy towards most things lately. My life feels like it has a haze or fog hanging over everything. Colors don’t have any vibrancy. Sounds are muffled. And everything, and I do mean everything, irritates me. The worst thing that I’m irritated by is myself. My physical self. The feel of my body, my skin, and the muscles that ache without end.

I don’t share this seeking your sympathy. In fact, sympathy would likely be the last response I would wish for. I don’t wish to commiserate, but I do wish to connect. If I can’t feel connected to the world around me in any other way, perhaps someone out there knows what I’m talking about. Can relate. Perhaps connections can be made with someone who’s been there and overcome, or maybe finds it to be an ongoing struggle, or perhaps even someone who’s never felt able to talk about this outside of a doctor’s office. I welcome your connections. Publicly or privately.

Perhaps with an open dialogue others might find a way to talk openly, or ask for help. If you can’t ask for help for yourself, then do it for the people who care about you. If for no other reason, I consulted my physician so that I could find a way to not be so difficult to live with. Someone will thank me for it someday. 😉

 

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Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun or email me at trish at trishblogs dot com!

I invite you to subscribe to my blog using one of the options available on my page (email, rss, Google Connect, like my page on Facebook, etc.)

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Filed Under: Health & Fitness Tagged With: , , ,

Life Lessons – Coming Full Circle

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I recently un-celebrated my 38th birthday. It was not a happy day for me. Not for my age, but for recently associated painful memories. And of course… It happened at a time when I was making difficult decisions to protect myself from further heartache, leaving me somewhat alone during some of my darkest days.

 

A wonderful friend provided me with support across the miles and I felt a little less alone.

 

Then things continued changing for me.

 

Everything happens for a reason. We have lessons to be learned and sometimes it takes multiple cracks at it before they have enough depth to begin effecting our lives. < It’s not fun to learn the same lessons over and over so, of course, the sooner we catch on the better. 😉 >

 

I am always trying to remind myself that every experience is a lesson to be learned, to look positively on the process or the outcome, or some aspect that will eventually serve to improve my life.

 

In the midst of it heartache is the hardest to learn from, but in hindsight it could be the simplest lesson to be learned. If only we allow ourselves to live through the hurt and reflect. When we avoid the pain, we tend to relive the lessons.

 

I’ve taken to really trying to live by the philosophy of Now. Live in the moment, live for today. The past is over, tomorrow is yet to come. And every relationship (friend, lover, family, etc.) has a purpose. Sometimes they enter our lives for a reason, sometimes for a period of time, and some will always be there. I try not to over think the purpose too much anymore. I’m not very good at that, and the heartache always seems to be magnified when I give in.

 

I am in a place of transition in every aspect of my life it seems.

 

Trying to establish stable work, a home for my family and eventually a relationship (partner in life) that will grow while feeling stable and safe. I not only feel like I’ve come full circle in that it’s a time to re-establish my life. Those who I rely on for support are those lifetime friends, some of whom have re-entered my life during my time of need. I feel a sense of belonging in a place I haven’t even thought of as home for years.

 

What is to come is yet to be seen. While I try to be proactive and plan, I am also trying to allow what is meant to be to come to fruition without much interference. There’s a certain fear in not directing it all. There’s a certain power in leaving it to the universe. My worries are less. Though I feel somewhat at a loss. I want to be in control of my destiny. I am not.

 

38 may not be old, but it sure feels like late in life to be starting over in some ways.

 

How do you reconcile not having complete control over your destiny? 

 

 

Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun, email me at ceilidho at ceilidhontherun dot com, or use my contact form!

I invite you to subscribe to my blog using one of the options available on my page (email, rss, Google Connect, like my page on Facebook, etc.)

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Filed Under: balance, General, Health & Fitness Tagged With: , ,

Stop. Commit. Act.

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We’ve all said it at one time or another. I wish I could do such and such, but I just don’t have the time… A speaker at a mom’s networking event recently shared some very wise words: we CAN have it ALL, just not all at once. Once we get that, we can make time <and yes it is ALL about MAKING time> for ourselves.

 

Once I made the decision to fit fitness into my life, it happened, other less important things got pushed aside. Activities that I once completed in 2 weeks, would take 4. It was OKAY! I was out there, pounding the pavement, coming back with my heart racing and my lungs on fire – feeling glorious!

 

Guess who benefits from your self care time? Sure you do, and that is the most important thing, but for some the motivation to do so comes from this: we cannot give to others all of ourselves unless we take care of ourselves first! It’s true, the less we care for ourselves, the less we have of ourselves to offer others. Guess what – when we are feeling refreshed and alive we treat our loved ones with more care, compassion and concern. We are able to empathize better, and we actually ENJOY giving to others.

 

What is the trick? Scheduling ME into the calendar first!

 

I know this is easier said than done, but it’s critical. The next step being: following through with the schedule. Which is where I still struggle. Yes, I see that 15 minutes of mindfulness before I leave my room in the morning scheduled in my calendar, but I’m JUST going to check on the noises coming from 8-year-old’s bedroom before I get started… Guess what? I don’t get started.

 

One thing I have learned from past successful attempts at making time for self care is that I need a goal, something to work towards that provides me with both accountability and a sense of accomplishment. When I was running, I would enter an event that coincided with the end date of my current goal. There is nothing like fundraising for a cause and not only starting, but finishing the 5K, 10K or even half-marathon I just signed up for to get me motivated. People are counting on my to bring their message across the finish line and many people are aware of my deadline!

So, how do I incorporate that into my current goals? I am no longer running, due to knee injuries. I’m not a fan of winter cycling, and the pool hasn’t been working for me lately, no matter how much I love it. So, it’s walking and mindfulness for me.

 

I’m sure there is a walking event I can sign up for, similar to my running challenges, but what do I do about the mindfulness I so desperately need to slow down and experience?

 

Share your ideas with me and I will report back with a plan of action! Perhaps you’ll join me?

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: balance, Health & Fitness, Parenting, West Nova Family Tagged With: , ,

November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month!

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Filed Under: Cancer, General, Health & Fitness Tagged With: ,

Why is death such a hard thing to talk about?

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With the first anniversary of my mother’s death approaching I am publishing a post written several months ago of my experience of this great loss. I will write a happy memoir to follow.
Mom: A life force that lives on within and around me.

Mom: A life force that lives on within and around me.

 

There is something in our society that makes death one of the most difficult topics of conversation. < I recently listened to a radio interview on Q with mortician, Caitlin Doughty about just such topic > We pretend it’s never going to happen and then when it does happen we pretend it away. I have had the unfortunate reality of losing two very special women, too early in life. My grandmother and my mother both died at the age of 59. They both experienced liver-disease symptoms. They both died within eight weeks of becoming ill. It was twenty-five years after her mother’s death that my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.

Losing a loved one is never easy. A sudden death gives no one time to take care of unfinished business, no time to say goodbyes… a long term terminal illness can present new opportunities to right wrongs, take care of business, say goodbye… it also often comes with suffering and pain. My mother’s experience was somewhere in the middle. She knew she would die. She thought she had more time than she had. She began the work of settling her affairs. She said goodbye to most of her closest family and friends.

My mother had no regrets. She lived life just as she wished to, taking opportunities as they came. She became sick too rapidly to follow-through with everything she wished to take care of, unable to return many of the calls of those who loved her and had wanted one last talk and laugh with her and her exuberant spirit. Mom suffered. And we were all thankful that the suffering did not last longer. In her final days she was ready for the suffering to end.

I am still unable to talk about the event of her death much. My father was her main caregiver after she became ill. I provided him, and then mom as well in the end, with all of the support that I could. It was difficult seeing the changes that she was experiencing and the independence she had to gradually, but eventually entirely give up.

I have experienced a great deal of pain in my life, both emotional and physical. But you don’t know pain until you watch a loved one suffer. Until they are no longer able to tell you what they need… Until you are absolutely uncertain that she/he aren’t in a terrible pain that you might have the means to alleviate… if only you knew.

I could never have imagined the helpless feeling I had when I no longer knew. Would one more injection of morphine be enough? Or was this even pain? Perhaps she was trying to tell me something? Maybe it was involuntary and not a sign of anything?

The night we lost mom, we’d already discussed amongst us that – after seeing how the night went – we may need to bring mom to the palliative care room at the hospital. We simply couldn’t make her endure our uncertainty if someone else would know what to do and when.

Mom was a very private woman and while she was comfortable with the care my father, my sister and I provided her with, she was also indignant. She was both discouraged and angry that she had to allow us to step inside of her very private personal space. And she was sorry that she needed to put us through it. All I could do was ask mom to allow me to return the gift of care she had always provided me throughout my life.

On my 37th birthday mom was not doing well. She was confused and mixing things up, forgetful and unable to process what we were saying to her. She was also very aware of this. She was frustrated. And she was apologetic for saying and doing things that were unlike her, and for forgetting things she has never once forgotten. Mom forgot my birthday that day. Dad reminded her, and the moment that she saw me and registered who I was she wished me a very heartfelt happy birthday and apology for forgetting. She had no idea what time of day it was or how long she’d gone without wishing her first born a special day.

The rest of the day was very difficult.

The next day became even more so.

She died one year ago on the night after my birthday, before I had headed to bed to leave her in dad’s care. (I had made a practise of giving dad a couple of hours sleep and taking care of mom’s late night needs, as the night was far from restful for either of them.) The memories of mom’s struggles have now faded a little. I know the visions of her suffering will eventually be gone from my mind. However the experience of not being able to decipher mom’s needs in those final hours and minutes is etched in my mind for the rest of my days. I cannot imagine ever forgetting that feeling of despair, just as I cannot imagine ever forgetting the joy or wholeness of holding my children for the first time.

Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun, email me at trish at ceilidhontherun dot com, or use my contact form!

I invite you to subscribe to my blog using one of the options available on my page (email, rss, Google Connect, like my page on Facebook, etc.)

If you enjoyed this post, please do like/share it. You can do so using the easy share button below!

 

Filed Under: General, Health & Fitness, West Nova Family Tagged With: , , ,

Experience PEI

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Did you know there are more than 30 golf courses on Prince Edward Island? If I were a golfer, or at least had a golfer in my life, this would probably really excite me. 🙂

An invitation to experience Prince Edward Island ~The Gentle Island~ on the Halifax waterfront turned an unsuspecting evening into one of the most fun experiences I’ve had in my favourite/home city. And now I have locked in PEI as one of my family vacation destinations for the near future.

Being from Nova Scotia, it’s not the authentic island experience that attracts me so much, or even the coastal drives (I’d actually really like to cycle the Island coastline one day), but the rich farmland of the Million-Acre-Farm right next to the coast and of course the theatrical experiences of Anne of Green Gables to share with my 9 & 11 year old girls.

Recently I’m spending most evenings on my own I decided to take a chance and invite a new friend I’d only just met to join me. Lucky thing I seem to find like-minded adventure seekers to share my time with!

 

We arrived as Chef Corbin Tomaszeski of the Food Network‘s “Dinner Party Wars”, “Restaurant Makeover” and “Crash My Kitchen” was introduced and he explained how we were going to have an interactive food experience cooking with a team rather than sit and listening to him as he demonstrated “How boring would that be?” But just to make things interesting, he insisted we switch partners with someone else in the room since we could/did cook with our guests all the time! I looked at my guest, we gave a little chuckle. So much for talking over our food and getting to know each other better! Chef Corbin is very entertaining. We had a lot of laughs as he described such things as his nocturnal racoon-like wife who is expecting twins in just two weeks, and “hiding” his mom’s rice under the rim of his plate as a child. He had us prepare and taste 3 different dishes that each included lobster and fresh vegetables that will be plentiful during PEI’s Fall Flavours festival, which Chef Corbin will be a part of.

photo provided by Tourism PEI

After the food demonstration and tasting ended, we moved outside to the Courtyard of the Lower Deck. I love the summer experience of Halifax waterfront, and it did not disappoint. The weather was perfect. There was more food and great musical entertainment from PEI. 2011 ECMA winner Meaghan Blanchard started us off with her spectacular voice while we ate more tasty PEI treats and had a few drinks, then Paper Lions came on. Their music was a complete change from Meaghan’s and every bit as wonderful.

photos provided by Tourism PEI

 

photo provided by Tourism PEI

We mingled with the other guests had lots of great conversation, then left with a big gift basket filled with PEI delights! I’ve already devoured everything and didn’t even share. I guess I’ll have to restock when we visit.

 

I can’t wait to spend time getting to know the National Park of the Island, where the whole family will be able to enjoy the activities we love like cycling & running, hiking and swimming! There’s even a 75km challenge we could participate in for the 75th anniversary, if we get there before October 2012!

 

Filed Under: General, Health & Fitness, Parenting, Sponsored, West Nova Family Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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